The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/13/11
this story touches so many chords with me. forgiveness is such a challenge in the circumstances and yet as you say forgiveness is freedom for both the recepient and the giver.
I sense there is much more to this story than the word count allowed.
thank you for sharing i know how difficult it is to lose a child
01/13/11
I love the theme of forgiveness in this piece. The last couple of paragraphs were written with great emotion and I could see the seen of reconciliation unfolding in my mind.

It was a bit difficult for me to get into the the piece at the beginning. I felt the description and size of the house wasn't needed to get to the heart of the story. I did however like the relationship the family had with the landlord. This seemed essential to your story as forgiveness is often most difficult when we've been wronged by people we are close to. Good job!
You did a good job describing human conflict both internal and external. The first two paragraphs were much weaker...the flow was awkward. I didn't catch the connection to the weekly topic either.
01/13/11
If this is a true story, I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. The story was packed with detail, and at times, great creative style. Keep an eye out for sentence structure. Not sure if you use Microsoft Word, but the program usually alerts you to "fragments." For ex. "Our game plan was to stay there for a year or two." (Here's the fragment). "Enough time to save up for the dream..."
It's also difficult to write in first person without beating the "I" to death. Consider making two sentences into one, to cut down on so many sentences that begin with "I" Ex. I knew he was seeking forgiveness, but I wasn't ready to release him."

Loved the focus on forgiveness and how you tied it all together with a great ending.
01/13/11
What an incredible story, I hope it wasn't true. The main issue I see is the sentence beginning with: "The house fire threatened to shred that friendship to pieces." should definitely have been a paragraph by itself.

Great Job!!
01/13/11
Forgiveness is probably the most difficult of all the things we're asked to do in relationships. You've written about it beautifully.
01/13/11
Good Story, should you have mentioned the house fire first to give in a stronger opening? Keep writing!
01/14/11
Powerfully written, an important story to tell.
I see alot of potential here - a couple of things: This was more like a letter to a friend who had known you for years to whom you decided to share your journey on forgivness. Remember the reader knows nothing so we ARE confused...Try writing backwards - as if you had only one paragraph for your entire story. Then two. This will force the most important facts to the forefront. You have possibility for several stories in this one...
01/14/11
I always enjoy your work! This one made me cry - such a tender story about the power of Christ's forgiveness through us.
01/15/11
This was a beautiful, sad story. My heart goes out to you if this story was actual. So glad you were able to do the thing that would produce healing to you both.
01/18/11
Good message. I would like to have seen you start with the fire. Keep writing!