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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Communication Breakdown (12/16/10)

TITLE: Can You Hear Me?
By Shawn McNamara
12/21/10


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He sits in silence, wonders if anybody hears,
His thoughts to him so clear,
No mind readers in here.

Canít understand why she isnít catching on,
Somethingís obviously wrong,
Heís feeling all alone.

He gets up leaves the room and busies himself with other tasks
He would open up and share his burdens if she would only ask.

Weíre having a communication breakdown
A relational let down
And itís working its way to my heart.
A lack of courage stirs the silence,
And itís all together frightening,
Itís so clear to him Ö
How is it she doesnít seem to see?

Heís growing tired, canít stand being bossed around,
It creates an instant frown,
And quickly shuts him down.

Canít understand why she isnít catching on Ö
Somethingís obviously wrong,
Heís left the room, sheís all alone.

He wonders if she even notices that he isnít there.
He waits to see if she comes looking Ö to let him know she cares.

Weíre having a communication breakdown
A relational let down
And itís working its way to my heart.
A lack of courage stirs the silence,
And itís all together frightening,
Itís so clear to him Ö
How is it she doesnít seem to see?

She talks to him like heís a child
She puts him down, her words are wild
What will it take for her to open up her eyes?

He lights himself on fire.
Hopes the smoke it bothers her.
It only burns him up some more.

Weíre having a communication breakdown
A relational let down
And itís working its way to my heart.
A lack of courage stirs the silence,
And itís all together frightening,
Itís so clear to him Ö
How is it she doesnít seem to see?

He sits in silence, wonders if anybody hears,
His thoughts to him so clear,
No mind readers in here.


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This article has been read 208 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Beth LaBuff 12/25/10
The frustration of your main character comes through loud and clear and is accentuated by your poetic technique of repeating lines. Very good!
Brenda Rice 12/25/10
I like your poem although I find it sad. You expressed the feelings of your MC well. Merry Christmas
Emily Carlson12/25/10
Wow...this spoke to me. I see the truth in this and it is sad, but common, I think. Seems like this could be a song, too. Thank you for sharing this. Merry Christmas!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 12/25/10
This is outstanding. You brought tears to my eyes. I liked seeing the man's POV. Although I think a few verses from the wife's POV would have brought at home even stronger. This is absolutely one of my favorites!
diana kay12/26/10
a very heartfelt piece.... i think it would be even stronger if it was all written in the first person rather than just the repeated verses..... i disagree with the other comment about adding verses from the wife's point of view it is all the more powerful being his inner thoughts.
Jeanne E Webster 01/26/11
This is very "musical." Maybe a rap song? Well said, even if she didn't hear. Shalom :)