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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Billboard/Poster/Sign (any or all) (12/02/10)

TITLE: I Want To Be Just Like Them
By Justina Page
12/07/10


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Jasmine could not sleep for the life of her. She would close her eyes; take slow deep breaths, just like Mommy had taught her. Yet, her attempts to relax were futile. No matter how hard she fought, her eyes would fly open and giggles would spill from her throat. A gigantic smile kept invading her face. She would flip flop from her right side to her left side and back again. Jasmine pressed her little heart shaped face into her pillow but it was no use. She was too excited. She opened her left eye and peeked at the clock. Goodness, it was only 5am. A tall masculine frame approached her door.
“Having problems falling asleep?” a hint of smile was in his voice.
He was her gentle giant; a very compassionate and caring man. He was her favorite people in the whole wide world; her hero – her Dad.
“Yes”, she said exasperated with herself.
Two hours later Jasmine was completely ready. She had finished eating every bite of her strawberry oatmeal and wheat toast and had gulped her orange juice down in three big swallows. Her Dora the explorer bubble coat was zipped all the way to the top, knit hat on, and purple tenni shoes tied in a double knot. The anticipation of the day was electrifying. For the very first time in her six year old life, she and not her 14 year old brother, would get to go to work with her Dad. She would get to see with her very own eyes the office her hero worked in and the work her hero did on a daily basis. Her father slipped on his black leather coat, grabbed her tiny hand and squatted, making direct eye contact. An enormous grin spread across his face.
With a twinkle in his eye and a giddy tone he told her, “I’m so glad you are coming with me today. “
With that they shared a quick hug jumped in the silver Nissan Armada and headed to Brown’s Hi Tech Energy, the company her dad owned.
She thought on her dad’s words the entire drive over. They made her feel warm and cozy on the inside. Just like when Mommy had told her Jesus words. Jesus was so happy when she made the decision to come with him to Heaven. Dad wanted her to be with him to. That was really nice because she was sure this would be a day she would never ever forget. When they entered the building she noticed how everyone smiled when they saw her dad. It reminded her of church, how everyone smiled when the Pastor mentioned the name of Jesus. “My dad must be a lot like him.” she thought as they made their way to his office.
She had no idea her dad’s office was so huge. A large black leather chair sat behind a massive cherry wood desk. There was papers and plaques and chairs and things she had no idea what they were everywhere. Jasmine concluded that a lot of serious business must take place in here. Wow! Her father must be doing some very important work. Just like what Mommy had taught her about Jesus. He was in Heaven doing serious work, preparing a place for her to be with him forever. Dad told her that the big chair was for her today. He had a big assignment for her. Jasmine jumped in the chair and spin around a few times. Mom had told her Jesus had a very special assignment for her. She guessed dad was getting her prepared.
Jasmine’s day was absolutely lovely. She liked the kind way dad talked to his staff even though it was obvious he was the boss. Not once did she hear her Dad say anything bad about another person. It was crystal clear that Dad took his work very serious. Jasmine was determined to do the same. After she was tucked in for bed and kissed good night, her last thoughts were of her Dad. This was indeed a very special day. She turned on her right side and twirled the coal black curls that framed her petite face between her slender fingers. Daddy is so much like Jesus she mused. They have to be kin. I want to be just like them. With that she fell into a contented slumber. Dad was the poster displaying Christ, written and read by his daughter.


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This article has been read 189 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Verna Mull12/10/10
Wow, I want to be just like them too. Great take on the subject matter
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 12/11/10
This is a sweet story. You did a great job showing the little girl's excitement. It was easy to picture her. You've got a great grasp on describing the scene.

My only advice to make it even better would be to try some different types of sentence structure. You have a lot of sentences that start with a name or pronoun. Try using participles or phrases. Someone pointed this out to me once and I realized almost every sentence started with my characters name. I never realized there were so many different ways to form a sentence. It really has helped my writing.

You have a good head start on me because you are already doing that a little bit. If you spread your wings just a little more you could turn this great piece into an excellent one.

I really enjoyed reading your story and it had a wonderful message in it as well. Keep on writing, you have quite a bit of talent!
diana kay12/12/10
a lovely story and such a cue description of the child and her love for her dad :-)
Patsy Hallum12/14/10
This is a well written story as far as punctuation goes, it also is a great picture of how a child looks at her dad IF he is a picture of Christ.Thanks and Keep Writing.
Michael Throne12/16/10
Good story. Makes me want to be a better dad! Thanks for writing this.


   
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