The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/09/10
You have a very good story but a couple of things to be careful about. Trust me I'm guilty of it too. Always check the punction. I noticed every time you were trying to say "I am" you used I' am. This is in correct. Use either or not the same. I also felt as if there was more to this story it felt as if it stopped in the middle of a line. Be careful of that you don't want to loose your reader. Had these two things not been there it would have been an excellent story, great content! Keep writing. :)
12/10/10
This is a good example of how celebrities must feel when they are seeking solace. I really applaud you for trying to use more contractions. It sounds much more believable as a dialog. Just be careful of the spelling with contractions the apostrophe is usually placed where the missing letter is like I'm here the apostrophe takes the place of the a. But that's no big deal the important part is you are trying really hard to make your dialog sound more natural.

As for the ending I really liked it. After several people star gazing and only interested in the new member because he is a local celebrity finally a member took the time to welcome him to church. The relief he must have felt is palpable. Finally he was able to worship without being bombarded by fans. Great job keep at it!
12/10/10
This was very interesting, but I would have liked to have heard a little more, although it does provoke a lot of thoughts.