I still see visions of that wretched day play like a song on repeat. Such days of pain Iíve endured in length. So naÔve in my youth, I now ache in a numbing daze. When will my childish mistake quit haunting my being? Forty years and my heart still reeks of regret, how I must make things right somehow.
Dear Son, April 10, 2005
These words are foreign as they delicately come alive before me. My world has never been the same since that awful day. I never should have allowed such innocence to be taken out of my hands. I was young and ignorant, not realizing the battle of tribulation that would lie ahead. I believed what I was told, that I was making the best decision for my baby and that you would indeed have a better life this way. They didnít know how the lies would taunt me from every year to come. I donít deserve to find you now, but Iíll never stop searching.
Iíve made a decision as I determined my options, I will forgive those who deterred my straight path from God and realize I too did not bow in obedience to His voice. If I harbor such weight of meditating hate, then I am no better than they. This I have learned in my aging years in God. My detriment has made me strong, but I will arrow it at evil because I know how the war ends. I write these letters in hope and pray a miracle transpires as I place them secretly in the prayer drop box.
Dear Son, June 15, 2005
You may not feel it is plausible to miss someone you never knew, but my heart aches in missing you loved one. I tried not to linger in thoughts of those nine months I had with you, but I cannot cause my mind to obey as my heart wills me to be there once again. I feel your strong kicks and remember the joyful butterflies deep inside. Your birth was a beautiful memory, unlike the torturous experience I had been expecting from the lies that were hurled at me. I remember your head full of dark hair, your deep brown eyes, and for a moment I was in pure bliss as they laid you on my chest and I curled you in my arms and kissed your sweet cheek. I did not wish for some stranger to take you away, I fought but you were taken away as my rights had already been determined. So, yes I miss you my sweet boy.
As life narrows forward I carefully reach towards a positive outlook as Iíve learned too many lessons to ignore. I pray my heart finds healing and restoration in the days to come, and I remind myself daily that Godís timing is better than mine. As I stand on this truth and continue my letters for over a year now, I find a peace that begins to reside in my soul.
After a long day at work, I come home as I always do and find an unidentified letter addressed to Mom Ö
Mom, May 5, 2006
I feel there is a lot to explain, but over a year ago I went for a walk and began to pray as I was dealing with much confusion. I remember praying for a miracle and that is when I noticed you. I saw that you had dropped a note in the outside church prayer box. You see I am in charge of the box and so I have been the one to receive your letters going on a year now. The first one struck my curiosity quite heavily as my heart listened to your regrets and felt the truth in your love. Iíve grown through your letters as I am adopted and have wondered quite often why I was given up. I just recently reached the age to find my birth mom and so searching I began. That was two weeks ago and I just received a phone call saying she has been found. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to feel love and grow to realize I too could have a miracle.
Questions flooded my curiosity as excitement scurried in. I looked up to find a well dressed young man walking towards me and I knew my miracle was here.
ďHi, my name is ChrisĒ, he said with a grim smile on his face.
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