The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/28/10
While the premise of your story is one that is a deep reminder for us all about Jesus' love, I found that you jumped from tense to tense. Even in the first sentence, it would seem you have present and past tense - "shines" and "rolled." Other than that I found this letter one of great compassion and appreciation. blessings...
Your words are full of passion, and your love is quite apparent.

The tense did change at times and I felt a tad confused but I can tell you poured your heart out in the writing of this.

Don't ever lose that passion and desire.
10/30/10
There's a lot of deep feeling here!

A few notes: if you've signed your own name to this letter, it may compromise the 'anonymous' aspect of the Writing Challenge. Best to choose a 'pen name' if it's going to appear on your entry. And the 'it was a dream' device is sometimes a let-down to readers. It's obvious that you've got a great imagination--I'll bet you can find other ways to resolve the conflict.

Thanks for this entry--you're a very intriguing writer.
10/30/10
This story has some lovely description in it and it definitely held my interest.

I agree with what has already been said, and just wanted to say that there was a lot of "telling" - "I felt this," etc. Rather than say that, use your wonderful creativity to show the reader how it felt.

Keep writing.
10/30/10
Your talent and your heart shine in your writing. Some beautiful and agonizing descriptions. I was confused by the middle part, with breakfast and the family, and don't see how it fits. Watch your tenses - reading your story out loud will help you catch those errors. I'm sure from what I read here that you'll grow as a writer, and I'm looking forward to following your progress!
10/31/10
I enjoyed this very much. Your passion truly shines through. One small suggestion would be to capitalize any pronouns refering to Jesus (God/The Holy Spirit). That helps keep the reader on track and always sets the Trinity apart. Great job.