The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/21/10
Touching story that held my attention. Great beginning and closing.
Oohhh you did a great job on this one. I had a feeling when she answered the phone while driving. You did a great job pulling out the suspense. It reminded me of Kenny Rogers' song "Buy me a Rose". You did a great job and though most people may prefer a happy ending life doesn't always end happily. Great job!
10/21/10
Oh, how heart wrenching! But it was a story that needed to be shared.

A tip - In a piece this short, it's usually good to stay in one person's point of view.

You had me hooked from beginning to end. Good job!
You presented a scenario all to real in today's world. As well, you presented the darker side of what can happen if there is a breakdown in communication discussing and agreeing on the values/goals/expectation for their lives. Great job in causing one to stop and pause to consider these things.
10/24/10
Very sad!

If you're going to switch POVs, consider setting the new POV aside with a few asterisks, or italicizing the new POV, so that the reader doesn't feel disoriented.

This is a good cautionary tale for us--cherish and nurture our relationships, before it's too late.
10/25/10
I did notice the switch in POVs, but all in all, it is a very interesting piece with a wonderful point. Keep writing!
Congratulations for placing 8th in your level!