The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I'm glad she was able to act quickly!

Try to do more showing instead of telling. Use more dialogue and action to convey the story.

You told a great story here. Keep writing!
This was a good story. You surprised me with the suspenseful ending.
I was interested in your story, and agree that dialogue will really add some spark to your writing. Also put some white space between paragraphs and be wary of tense changes - your last line suddenly switched to the present tense. You did a good job of developing the story and I hope you keep writing.