The Official Writing Challenge
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It was very descriptive and I could picture it all. I wish I had know what happened to his lover though. I assume she died and what you wrote was maybe the beginning of a longer story. Good job!
Very discriptive writing! I chuckled when you said he hitched up his pants. I could really see this story. I'm wondering about the black box -- is it an urn? You might want to pay special attention to how you start your sentences as many of them started with the word "Tom." Breaking it up a bit makes the story less choppy. Really enjoyed this one though!
You did a great job of the descriptions I could easily visualize everything in the park. I knew the MC was mourning a lost love but I wanted to know so much more about him I thought for sure he was thinking about jumping off the bridge. Again great job with the vivid descriptions.
09/13/10
I really enjoyed this. Very vivid descriptions and for the most part nicely written. Above comments are all good critiques. To me, the black box needs an explanation. I don't think you will be a beginner for long! Keep writing.
09/14/10
Oh, I enjoyed this - so relieved you didn't have Tom jumping off the bridge at the end! I, too, would like to know what was in the box - his lover's ashes, a ring he meant to give her - ??? Good, descriptive writing!
09/16/10
You really got my emotions going! Good storytelling. I did get distracted by one thing - you used "Tom" in places where "he" would have been sufficient, especially since Tom was the only character.
I assumed the black box contained the ring he didn't get to give to his love. I was wondering if he was going to jump, too, or maybe throw the box into the water. Nice atmospheric piece. I enjoyed it.