Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Feel (emotions) (08/26/10)
TITLE: I feel empty
By Catherine McQuiston
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“Cat listen. I don’t think that I’m grown up enough to have children. With the stress of our jobs, how would we really work this out? We would have to work different shifts, never see each other and to tell the truth I don’t think I could handle being home alone with the kids for 9 hours while you work and then have to go into work myself.”
This is not what I expected to hear. We had moved to Buffalo for a less stressful job. He had pulled the not wanting kids thing on me before but I figured since our jobs were so much easier now that he would change his mind.
“So you’re saying that the last 11 years together have been a lie? You knew since I was 17 that I wanted kids. How can you take something from me, take all these years from me and destroy them in a moment? I feel so used.”
I cried uncontrollably while we had our talk. What really made it hurt so much was that he was telling me this and his voice, face and body language had no emotion to it. It was cold and to the point.
“Why are you doing this to me? Wasn’t I a good wife? Aren’t I a good person? How can you sit over there and do this to me like you were ending a business deal? Don’t you feel anything for me or our life together?” I asked.
“Believe me, this is harder to say than you know. I may not feel it now but I’m sure I’ll be paying that price later. You were a good wife, are a good person but I can’t be a father to children and teach them when I myself never knew my father. I’ll be a failure to them and I don’t think I can handle that kind of pressure.”
“Marriage is about helping each other through rough times. You won’t be alone in raising the kids because I’ll be right there. You are willing to give up 12 years together of our life just like that? How do you think that makes me feel? Well I can tell you. I feel empty. I have nothing inside me. It hurts so much to have something I held so dear to me ripped from me. You know I wanted to have kids when I was 23. But I kept putting it off for you. Kept saying to myself that my day of glory is coming. Why are you being so selfish?” I asked.
“I am being selfish because I don’t want your kids to grow up and see that their dad couldn’t be there for them like a real father should be. I’m giving you a chance to find someone who will give you what you want. Give you the family you want. You should think of this as a second chance to start a new life.”
“Start a new life over at 29. I don’t want to do that. I want a family and you promised me that someday. How is it fair that I have to start over? I can’t handle this right now, my heart is breaking and it hurts so bad. You don’t know how much this hurts. I feel like the world around me is spinning and I’m left alone.”
I crawled off of the couch and headed into the bedroom and cried so long and hard that I didn’t think the pain would ever go away.
I woke up the next morning and was a different person. I was depressed. I hated being in that small apartment. As we drove together in the same car to work, the conversations were little to nothing. I had poured my soul, into this marriage. I left him wanting for nothing. Now I have nothing.
I spent the next 3 months going through the darkest time of my life. When I let God back into my life the journey, long and tough became easier. My life still isn’t in order. I am going through divorce and have to start looking again. Only God knows when my family will finally arrive. Until then I just hope and pray.
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