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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Hotel/Motel (09/12/05)

TITLE: There's Not A Room Left!
By
09/15/05


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The centurion’s menacing scowl signalled impending danger. No-one desired to be on the receiving end of his hostility, brought about by a hot and frustrating day. Flavian’s posting in Judea seemed to him, to be a cruel, demoralizing demotion. “Stubborn, insolent Jews!” he hissed under his breath. Among the waiting, humiliated Jews, a palpable, seething animosity was dangerously building beneath the surface, almost ready to erupt.

Augustus Caesar had ordered every man to the place of his birth, to be numbered in the census. All day long Flavian had contended with the parade of obstinate, bitter Jews. He preferred to be back in Jerusalem and enjoying a long hot bath. But, that would not be possible tonight. To his distain, he was stationed in Bethlehem until the census was completed.

The tiny town with its census swollen population, was facing a lodging crisis. He needn’t worry though. A wry smile straddled Flavian’s dust encrusted face. He felt elated that he could enjoy the best lodging Bethlehem had to offer, while the Jews were left to fight it out among themselves, searching for accommodation in their own place of birth. The twist of fate delighted the centurion.

Another hour and the setting sun would dismiss this wretched god-forsaken day, Flavian thought. His attention turned again to the arduous routine of counting men. The Jews nerves were frayed, their bodies bone weary. They had traversed from the Roman empires farthest corners.

Dust flung up by hundreds of passing travellers had congealed on Flavian’s sweat covered face. The coarse Judean dust always made his skin itch. His fatigued mind drifted to pleasant memories of his own homeland,...holidaying on the banks of the Tiber, his doting family and faithful friends, the exhilaration of Roman entertainment and lavish banquets among Rome’s elite citizens.

“Next!” The soldier’s shrill demand snapped Flavian back to reality - the never-ending line of Jews to be counted. “Name?” the soldier barked at the man standing next in the line. “Joseph, from the House of David.” was the measured reply, “And my wife, Mary.” Five gruelling days travelling from the northern town of Nazareth, with his heavily pregnant wife, just culminated with these ten words.

Seeing the pregnant woman, somehow arrested the centurion’s heart. He followed the couple with his eyes, as they left the counting booth, to begin the almost futile search for appropriate lodging. The congested streets were a concoction of men and heavily laden beast, all vying for a night haven. Flavian realised that the woman would deliver her child during the night. “Just another Jew destined to irritate me.” he thought. Sudden exhaustion engulfed the centurion’s soul.

The middle-aged inn-keeper, was annoyed with having to constantly repeat the same phrase: “Sorry, there’s not a room left!” Weary with the pressing demands of so many travellers, he rose from his hurried meal to answer the urgent pounding on the door. Happy to momentarily escape the noisy din of belligerent Roman soldiers and vexed Jewish guests, all clamouring simultaneously for their evening meal, he opened the door ready to repel the next inquirer. He noted the traveller’s question was identical to all the others, but the circumstances were different. The woman was with child, and the child’s birth imminent. “Shalom!” Joseph greeted the inn-keeper. “My wife is soon to deliver, tonight! Do you have a room for us?” Stroking his greying beard, the man scanned his tired mind for a suitable resolution to the immediate crisis. After a prolonged silence, he smiled, the only one he had managed throughout his harried day. “Yes, well, actually,...its not a room, it’s a stable. But, it’s furnished with fresh hay.”

The inn-keepers demeanor seized the attention of the centurion, still curiously watching the man and pregnant woman’s desperate plight. Benevolent and courteous among themselves, even though they bear the brunt of vicious Roman dictatorship. Flavian pondered this stark reality. What is it that sustains them? Perhaps, we Romans are brute dogs after all? he mused, trying to fathom the corrupted ‘justice’ of the empire he loyally served with his sword.

Observing that the man and woman were granted a safe place to deliver their baby, Flavian sighed deeply. A sudden repulsion for Rome’s strangling regime struck his heart, which was instead, being drawn irresistibly towards Yahweh, the Jew’s God of Justice and Mercy.

The centurion, overcome by an acute inner heaviness, quietly turned and trudged towards his own lodging for the night, the best hotel in town.


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This article has been read 725 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 09/19/05
Very creative POV, and you avoided the pat ending...thanks! Work on comma and apostrophe usage, and you'll be moving up a level in no time.
Pat Sciancalepore09/19/05
Historical fiction is difficult. Nice job. Good feeling for the era.
Anita Neuman09/21/05
Great story and wonderful description. The next thing for you to work on is tightening up your point of view. But this is a really great start! Well done!
Julianne Jones09/26/05
You've done a great job of re-telling this familiar story and from the Roman POV (how creative!). Just watch changes of POV - you started from Flavian's but then let Jospeh's and the innkeeper's perspective creep in. Show by their actions what you want conveyed (e.g. annoyance, tiredness after a long trip) rather than telling us. Well written. God Bless. JJ
Deborah Porter 09/27/05
Karen, this was a good entry that with a bit of tweaking, could be very good. As some of the others have said, the punctuation needs a bit of work - it sometimes isn't in the right spots. It's little things like this: "The middle-aged inn-keeper, was annoyed.." That comma is unnecessary.

Also, that shift in point of view was a big problem for the reader. It's amazing how something like that can throw us off track (we're very easily throw-off-trackable). But the message and the story itself were good. You're definitely heading in the right direction. Love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)
Amy Michelle Wiley 10/15/05
Great story! I enjoyed the descriptions of the first part.


   
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