The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
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Date
08/12/10
I'm sure many experience this. It was a touching and hopeful piece. Well done. Blessings, Ruth
08/13/10
I know the story. Well told.
08/14/10
A well-told story. You showed how trusting in God has its rewards. He sometimes sends an angel in some form to help us out of our difficult situations.
This has a wonderful message
The only suggestion that I would make is replacing some of the "Sabras" with "shes" or "hers."
This is a beautiful and touching story.

It needs some minor editing a mother's instead of mothers touch, okay instead of ok and make sure you start a new paragraph for each new speaker.

You told the story in such a way that it drew me right in. My mother has been gone for 17 years now and I still miss her. I, too, have been lucky to find surrogate moms over the years. You showed how amazing God's love is for us.
Wow indeed. This is a very powerful story on a difficult topic. You had a few errors that a good proofreader would have caught. You left out not in the line Hell can be worse than this (at least I think you left it out, maybe you wanted it that way) Also make sure you start a new paragraph with each new speaker. You did an incredible job of pulling me into your story. I have felt suicidal before and could relate to that feeling of little or no worth. The way you solved the inner conflict was wonderful.
Sorry about leaving the two comments on your story. The first one is yours. I have no idea who the 2nd one is. Sometimes I have 2 pages opened at once, I must have thought I was leaving the 2nd comment for the other page that was opened.
Your story was great though!
08/17/10
We all need the warmth of a mother's love, don't we? You've shown how that love doesn't necessarily need to come from a biological mother, but from someone who takes us under her wing and nurtures, comforts, leads, and encourages us in our daily lives.

You have a great story here but there are some mechanical errors you need to pay attention to. One in particular is the constant back and forth in tenses. You need to stick to one or the other. This is a common mistake that even those of us who have been writing for a while make as well, so you're not alone in this! Keep writing and honing your skills!