The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
This is an exciting story. There were a few technical errors here and there, but you did a great job covering the topic.
08/06/10
Good work of fiction. Lots of details and suspense. Will make an interesting full story.

Needs proofreading and corrections in grammar. Spelling is good. Tip: read your article aloud and you'll pick up errors that don't stand out while writing or reading to yourself. Sounds like you are oriented to fiction works. Blessings. :)
08/11/10
It was an exciting story. You organized it well and had a lot of good detail. Here's another hint that would have made it easier to read: Put characters' thoughts in italics and make sure spoken dialogue is marked by quotation marks.