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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bon Voyage (09/05/05)

By B Brenton


DISCLAIMER: Written from a non-Christian girl's point of view, so sorry if any content offends.
Unreal Time: stating what she imagines to happen. Real Time: actual events and thoughts that go through her head.

7:35pm Unreal Time
Mmm... the nice-looking, muscular Korean was rubbing me down. My joints melting at his touch as I sniffed the scented candles around us...

7:35pm Real Time
'Maybe I could ask that guy for a massage for real? My joints are killing me!'
I bustled with my carry on baggage when I saw the Korean with the nice butt had been cleared.
"You're ok. Bon voyage, sir."
It was the customs official.
'Could everyone just stop calling me sir? Lest I have to flash my female genitalia at everyone I meet! It's because I have no breasts right? Or the unflattering bowl cut?'
Screwing up my nose unpleasantly, I headed towards the waiting lounge.
'Oh, well... here it goes. Another flight. Such is my life.'

8:45pm Real Time
"So..." I nudged the man on my left, making playful conversation as he looked up from his small printed book. I indicated to it. "What's it...?"
His hazel green eyes looked kindly on me from behind his lenses. "It's home."
"I know!" I empathized with a delighted squeal. "I feel like I live on a plane. Airplane food, feeling squished" I sighed, "It's my life!"
He shook his head. "No. This." He held up the book.
"Must be a good read then. You got another home?"
"No," with another shake of the head. "Just this."
I hadn't heard anyone refer to a book in quite that way.
"What about your family? Where do they live?"
"Here." He held up the heavy book again.
"Ok. Hand it over."
He obliged. "New King James Version" I mouthed, reading the cover.
"Do you believe in fate?" My voice was still light and playful as I turned my attention back to him and not to the book in my lap.
"No." He said resoundingly.
"I might just love you, you know."
A faint smile was returned, so I continued. "So you're telling me you have no home?"
"No. I'm on vacation."
"Where to?"
"You truly believe you're an alien?"
"In a ways..."
"You're being very cryptic."
"Am I?"
"It's intriguing."
"My home is with my savior. Not here. I'm visiting until I am to be called back,"
"And re-united with my Lord once more."
"And the book?" I was being particularly inquisitive tonight.
"The word of the God of all things."
"Uh-huh." Silence. "Ever been in love?"
His jaw hardened. "Yes."
"Sorry. Too personal?"
"I'm still in love. I'll always be in love."
'Did disappointment really show that much on my face?'
I shut my mouth and flipped through the book, though not really reading a thing. Just seeing jumbled words meshing together.

9:04pm Unreal Time
He took off his glasses and moved towards me, lips edging closer to mine. Our hearts beating rapid, astringent beats. Staring deeply into each others...

9:05pm Real Time
He was speaking again, my face flushing, as I hadn't tuned into a word of the previous sentence.
"Would you like me to read some of it to you?" He repeated.
I was still holding his book.
"Love too" I said overeagerly.
And then I listened for hours, drifting in and out of consciousnesses, imagining a person with such noble spirit and a way I had never known.

5:18am Real Time
"Well, bon voyage" he mumbled, making his way toward the exit, carrying only his Bible.
"Oh!" I hurried after him, pulling my bag along with me.
Suddenly we were in the queue for immigration (again!) he turned and gave me a short smile.
I lunged at him. He stepped back.
"Uh..." I said sheepishly, covering my actions and tripping over my bag in the process. "Yeah, bon voyage... on your trip to planet earth. Hope you don't have a completely awful view of us residents now." I blushed.
"Of course not, " he reassured then turned back around.

5:35pm Unreal Time
"I love you, stranger!" I half shouted at his back.
He turned back around again and waved goodbye. One last time our eyes meeting, conveying sadness for what could never be...

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Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 09/13/05
Your large, central section would be far more readable if you separated lines of dialog, and added more action. I'm not clear on if your mysterious man is an angel, or a ghost, or an alien...in any case, it's an unusual story! I think it has potential, though; did a good job of portraying the girl and her utter unfamiliarity with the Word.
Jesus Puppy 09/13/05
An unusual view of ones imagination. The girl, lost as it were in a world she called home, the mysterious stranger who has no home but in Gods word. I think in adding space between the diolog lines would alow you and the reader to see the "Non-Play" between them. Maybe even another Un-real time in the Larger section where she took the Book. A good peice other wise.
Debra Brand09/14/05
Poor girl! She's so lost! Good story. A bit too descriptive for me but well written, none the less. God bless
Anita Neuman09/14/05
Funny story, with good insight into the mind of the non-Christian character. Needs a little bit of polishing, but great start!
Linda Watson Owen09/14/05
Interesting take on the subject. A tad on the soap opera style in the imagination sections(ala 'Nicole' in DOOL, Haha-now you know one of my vices!). Good character development.
Brandi Roberts09/14/05
Well written, needs spacing, but an all around good read! Thanks for sharing!
sandra snider09/14/05
a few phrases could have been re-worded to make it sound less harsh. There are other ways to say the same things without saying it so graphic. The story left me feeling a bit puzzled: was this stranger an angel, even Jesus Himself?
Val Clark09/16/05
The thumbnail descriptions you give of your characters works really well. The dialogue is lively and suits your character. I think it's OK that we're not quite sure who the stranger is. Do space your work out more, makes for an easier read. Well done. Yeggy
Shari Armstrong 09/17/05
An interesting entry - I liked the real and unreal, but could have used a bit more of the real, to see why she was "falling" for the stranger. Then another unreal in the middle to split it up a bit.
Maxx .09/17/05
Any story that starts with a disclaimer is going to have problems. Know your market and who you're writing for and make the story match. Plus, you can say a lot through inuendo and do a lot of things off camera. All that said, it's still a very creative approach and you presented the characters in a very unique manner. Good Work!
Crista Darr09/17/05
Before my salvation I had my share of the roughest and toughest friends, but never, ever have I heard anything as crude as "flashing my female genitalia". I see a lot of potential in your writing. No need for the shock factor.