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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: The Critique/Review (for writers) (05/06/10)

TITLE: Sandra
By Ken Ebright
05/09/10


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Click, click, click went the computer as Dedra a writer and editor called up Sandra's story on her computer. They had been friends for years.

"Ahhh," as Sandra cried.

Dedra sat at her desk in her home office. Sandra sat in front of the desk that was made with pine and stared out the window.

Dedra stopped typing for a second and looked up at Sandra's sad eyes, "I am so sorry about you mom's death. I know it must have been hard to write this story."

Sandra had lost her mom in a shoot out. Her mom was a teller at a local bank. A bank robber held her and the other employee’s hostage for 15 hours, before he killed all of the employee’s. Her mom had been dead for three months.

Dedra looked up and smiled, "I think you have a good first draft, but there are things you could do to improve it."

"O…k," said Sandra.

Dedra's eyes focused on the screen again as she looked through the story. "There are things you could write about like, how it felt to go on TV. You could tell you readers what your thoughts were during the standoff."

Sandra started to cry again, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Sandra, I have known you for years. I know this is hard, but I know you can touch allot of people and lead them to Jesus,“ Dedra looked up into Sandra's eyes, and wiped off some of the tears from her face with a tissue.

Dedra continued with her review as she stared at her computer, “How did you feel about the person who shot your mom? I assume you prayed for you mom while she was being held hostage. You could tell people what you said and what that was like. You could talk about how your mom walked with the Lord every day."

"Those are some good thoughts," said Sandra.

"I think if you made these changes you could get your story published in any magazine. The fact that it was on the news makes it more compelling and a story that any magazine might want to publish," said Dedra.

Sandra perked up and said, "Do you really think so?"

"Yes I do," said Dedra.

Dedra paused for a second and looked into Sandra’s eyes with a serious look on her face, "You got to remember no matter what happens. Jesus someday will wipe away all of your tears and you will be able to see you mom in heaven and you will be able to live with her forever.

Sandra smiled, "Thank you."



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This article has been read 187 times
Member Comments
Member Date
AnneRene' Capp 05/13/10
You definitely have a knack for touching a readers heart. This was very touching and a great reminder that yes, Jesus will one day, wipe away every tear.

I am pretty much of a newbie around here too and "just learned" that O.K. should always be spelled out: okay.

There are free classes in the forums under "Writing". Look for Ann and Jan's courses. I'm in them and have learned so much.
Mildred Sheldon05/14/10
Very touching story. Listen to AnneRene' because her advice is fantastic. I enjoyed this very much.
Lisha Hunnicutt05/15/10
This was a touching piece and showed the way a critique can be handled in love. You have a good plot and did a good job using dialogue.
There are some places where your piece is a bit wordy. For example: "Sandra at in front of the desk that was made with pine..." This could be said using an adjective. "Sandra sat in front of the pine desk..." Another example is "Dedra paused for a second and looked into Sandra's eyes with a serious look on her face..." It could be condensed to: "Dedra paused for a second and looked seriously into Sandra's eyes." These are just suggestions from another who hasn't been writing all that long. I hope you find them helpful. Keep writing - you have a knack for it.
Amanda Brogan05/17/10
This is definitely "on topic." :) I like how you started out with the "click, click, click" of the computer and the fact that Sandra and Dedra were good friends, which added feeling to their relationship throughout the story.
Dusti (Bramlage) Zarse05/21/10
Good piece. Good example of gentle critiques. Debra didn't hold back suggestions, but she did make them in love, a lesson we could all do well to remember.

Just a couple red mark issues. I agree with Lisa. Everyone is different, but I, personally, have found it helpful to study well-loved authors. Actively read their books to study how they phrase things, how they describe them. A lot of writing is in the magic of phrasing. Also, minor mention, but you mean "a lot" (two words) not "allot." The second means to appropriate. Ex: I will allot a certain amount of money to the building fund.

I really enjoyed this one!


   
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