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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Bon Voyage (09/05/05)

TITLE: Overcoming
By Brandi Roberts


Eric sat with his long legs dangling in the water. He hadn't been to the cabin in years. So many summers of his childhood had been spent here with his family. That is, up until the accident. A tear slid slowly down his face and dropped into the water below as his mind drifted off and he was ten years old again.

A man at the local resort had shown him how to make floating paper boats. His brothers, Chris and Peter, were eager to get their newly folded boats into the water and were already waiting anxiously at the end of the dock.

"I get to put mine in first!" Peter was the youngest and felt it was his 'right' to be the first in everything.

Chris, being the middle child, wouldn't have it. "No, you're always too slow. I'm going first!"

Neither of the boys were giving an inch and Eric watched on the sidelines as the war of words turned into a shoving match. Chris, the obvious victor, gave one final shove to secure his win, but gasped in horror as Peter tripped backwards over the side of the dock. Thrashing desperately for his life, Peter screamed for his brothers' help. Gripped in fear, Eric and Chris stood motionless as their brother lost his battle with the water and sunk to his death.

It had been 20 long years since he watched his brother die in front of him, and a lot had changed. Chris had given himself to alcohol to numb the pain, and while the bottle tempted him, Eric didn't give in. He knew that there was something out there that could free him from his burden of guilt, something greater than he could ever imagine: God would heal his hurt. A lot of pain, and grief, and tears had lead him back to this place. And now he was here, ready to free himself from the unforgiveness of a guilt-ridden heart. Placing the carefully-folded boat into the water, Eric closed his eyes and let it all go.

"Bon voyage." He whispered.

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This article has been read 1017 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Carol Adams 09/12/05
Well written. How very difficult to experience these life-changing events in lives. We all must let go and say
goodbye. You did it well.
Jan Ackerson 09/12/05
I'd really like to see this expanded, to see more of the contrast between the two surviving brothers. Substitute "eagerly" for "anxiously". A very touching and hopeful ending.
B Brenton09/13/05
Yes, expanding it would be a good idea - as well as showing me how this is affecting me instead of just telling me.
Easy to read, good plotline - so well done!
Debra Brand09/14/05
Good writing! Held my interest the whole time, even though I knew the ending.
Ann Grover09/14/05
Concise...compact...says it all with no loose ends...every word meaningful. Well done!
sandra snider09/14/05
this could have been entered at the next level of writing challenge! It held my interest throughout.
Julianne Jones09/15/05
Well-crafted. Would have also liked to have seen the contrast between the two surviving brothers more fully developed. Thanks for sharing.
Val Clark09/16/05
You have the bones of a really gripping story here. Even though it's only a short story spend time developing your characters. All the information you discover probably won't come out in a story but some of it will and that will enrich it for the reader and help us engage more in your story. Imagine you are there. What do you see? What do you want us to see? Keep working on developing your craft. It's worth it! Yeggy
Crista Darr09/17/05
Well done! I echo the above comments regarding expansion. For instance, you tell us that the brothers were "gripped in fear" and "stood motionless", as their brother sunk to his death. Show the reader. Bring us there with them. Let us see into the heart of your characters as well. Love the creative idea for the topic.
Shari Armstrong 09/17/05
A tragic story with some hope, nicely told.
Maxx .09/18/05
Nice emotion worked into this. Good job! Some powerful, and hopeful, writing.
Deborah Porter 09/21/05
Brandi, I thought this was a very good entry and you rated quite well with the Level 1 judges. Keep rising to the Challenge and I know we'll see you go from strength to strength. With love, Deb