The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/15/10
You have an immensely beautiful writing style, and seem to have perfected the skills of metaphors and similies. This is a deeply, emotionally charged piece, with a clever tie to the the challenge subject.

The second paragraph dives directly into the heart of the piece, and I think the first paragraph takes away from that a little bit. You have so many beautifully described scenes throughout the piece, so you don't need to spend too many words setting the scene in paragraph one. For example, if you started with "As she arrived in the blossom scented orchard (then continued with) she felt the sadness that the breeze...
Then, the reader can quickly get to the emotion, and depth of the writing, which is quite captivating.

My only other comment is in the paragraph that begins, Today would have been her birthday... If you placed that sentence at the end of that same paragraph, I believe it would increase the impact of the paragraph.

You have a gift with words, an amazing sense of rhythm and prose. I loved this piece.
04/16/10
Excellent. You conveyed both the setting and the emotions to the point of my feeling like I was there. Theresa did make a good point about the first paragraph which would improve the story but this was a wonderful piece of writing.
04/19/10
This has a lovely, lyrical feel to it.

My only suggestion: this seemed a bit pronoun-heavy--lots of 'she' and 'her'. A few names would help us to keep track of who's who.

Beautiful atmosphere, well written.