The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/04/10
Great job drawing emotion. I was right there with Amy and her Grandpa and literally teared up as she pleaded with him not to die. The beginning drew me right in, though I was left wanting a bit more depth and development in the conclusion. It was a wonderful read, and I wanted to continue on with the same intensity you drew in the beginning.
Is it a true story?
02/07/10
A sad glimpse into an impossible situation. Well written.
You did a great job of involving the reader in the story. I grieved for Amy several times. There were a few errors with punctuation- a missing, comma, apostrophe or a quotation mark, but these are easily fixed and did not distract me from the story. Good job, I could easily see it in a teen magazine like Alive Now or something similar.
02/09/10
As I was reading the story, I was pulling for it to take another turn. It left me wanting more out of the "child-care" dilemma as it related to the hospital/illness.
Mona
02/09/10
Too bad she couldn't have told her teacher about her Grandfather before she visited him. I felt very sorry for her--what a difficult situation! Good job conveying the emotions/reactions of the observers who didn't understand.
First, I really enjoyed this. You presented it in a very real way. This is only my opinion, but I would have liked the story to unfold entirely from the child's perspective - told in both inner thoughts and dialogue. You have some great conflicts going on the impending death of a beloved grandparent matched with the necessary caring for a baby - showing how your protagonist resolves these issues would lead to a very dynamic storyline as well as a teaching tool.
02/09/10
This was packed with emotions that could really be felt.

Check carefully for "telling" sentences as oppossed to "showing", such as how much she loved her grandfather. You showed that very well in the opening dialogue, so you might not need to tell it in the next paragraph.

Tough call on the ending. I wanted more, but reading it again, I think it was just right. Good job!
02/09/10
You could absolutely FEEL the conflict going on here. To me that is a sign of good writing. Great job, Barb.
02/19/10
You really know how to capture true-to-life situations and write about them in a gripping manner. I could feel the overwhelming emotion of the teenage girl.