The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/04/10
You have an interesting turn of phrase. At times you paint a great picture with simile and metaphor such as these: "His voice thundered like an accomplished opera singer." "The vibration in his libretto bounced within the walls of the parlour." And at other times, it's awkward and difficult to understand, as if you are using certain words for the first time with the nuance slightly off. Overall, I was compelled to read this piece a few times and gain something new each time. Keep writing.
02/09/10
I admire your attempt to show your MC's haughtiness by using haughty, old-fashioned vocabulary. However, I agree with the above: the misused words overshadowed the story itself, unfortunately. You have a talent, and obviously enjoy writing. Keep working!
Ahh, the male ego. Reading this was almost like watching a Jane Austen novel. The first ray of western sun I think perhaps should have been the last rays of the western sun as you mentioned supper being ready shortly afterwards.
One or two slight changes in phraseology would really make this shine.
I enjoyed your entry very much, you captured your MC's pomposity beautifully. Well done.
02/12/10
I really liked the overall storyline but I also was a bit overwhelmed with the amount of detail thrown into each and every line. I can see that you have a great talent though. It was just very unique and I felt myself going back to a different time.