The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/06/09
Powerful story.

I believe most of your dialog is strong enough that it can stand alone without the explanatory qualifiers.

Also, trim the adverbs.

I am looking forward to more fine writing from your hand.
12/09/09
Very descriptive. Good job.
12/09/09
looking inside your window, i see a wonderful writer beginning to carve out beautiful stories.
12/09/09
This was very intersting. You left us wanting to solve the mysterious malady.Good dialogue etc.
Very interesting, indeed. You captured my attention, and left me wanting more.
As stated above, some trimming of adverbs and tightening up, you'll be sailing forward in no time.
12/09/09
Oooh, very interesting! I want to know more about it, great job! ^_^
Interesting to say the least. very good read. Kept me glued to the page.
Wow.
You have a strong sense of mystery here. Well done.
Your sad story is told very well by monologue. I think if you'd begin with "Pastor Jack," it would be clearer that the monologue is directed to someone.