Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Luggage (08/15/05)
TITLE: Suitcase of the Mind
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Just as I was starting to feel better about myself he came back. It seemed too cruel, too hard to bear and yet had God not promised not to give me more than I could bear? Yet the fears poured in, the painful memories and the shame. I had left the one that God had joined me to, the one that I had committed myself to, the one I had invested everything in. I had left him and yet now here he was again, begging me to return. Yet how could I? Too much had happened, too much water had passed under the bridge. I had crossed the point of no return.
I am not a fighter, I have always given in rather than fought it out, it is just the way that I am, but this time something rose up in me. I found a strength that I didn’t know that I had, a strength that was not my own, and I rose up in my spirit. No, I would not allow him to pull me apart again, it didn’t matter what had happened in the past, that was over and there was nothing that I could do about it. My failures, my weakness, my lack of love, especially love for myself. When my husband hit me I told myself that I deserved it, that I had annoyed him, that it was my fault for not letting him have his way. After all a good Christian wife is called to submit to her husband. He was always sorry, begged me to forgive him and so I did. Once, twice, until I feared the one that I was meant to love. Hiding in the corner, afraid to tell, ashamed of my dark secret. Then I had run, frightened that he would find me, and yet strangely he didn’t come looking for me.
In time the shame, the disgrace, and the pain had lost their first sharp injuries. The balm of Gilead had truly bandaged my hurts and dried my tears until now. What should I do? Believe the promises or run? The suitcase of the mind is the pain that we carry around with us. We pack it and rearrange it from time to time but it is still there.
I went back to that suitcase, took out my old wedding dress and gave him another chance.
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