Black is the color of my life. I am wedded, have been for what seems like a lifetime but itís only five years. If she didnít act like a spoilt little child that has lost her favorite toy I would say happily.
If ever there was one single happy day in the past eight years weíve been together, it was guaranteed sheíd make sure something went horribly wrong. If there is any solace in this world then any female would give her right teeth for me. I know it and so does she. When I actually came into the money, I was in the wrong to let her spend it exactly how she wanted. But she now for the first time in her life has a fitted abode and destroyed the business which had the potential to go places which it was quickly and itís her temperament which shows in my life that Satan is taking over.
It all began happening weeks after losing Dad to God, the company would please my dark moods but as per usual I, again was mistaken. Maybe I am the one in the wrong here as wedding bells rang only a few months after the both of us met.
Jess took my thoughts of death away from me but Iíve become something I donít want to be. The way sheís been treated in life gave me cause to believe that we had something in common but as itís turned out we are nothing alike.
I gave up my own pleasures in life so that sheíd have everything that her Mother and Father never gave her but even that isnít enough. She thinks that if she allows happiness to erode her world someone or something is going to spoil it for her, I no longer have the heart to inform her that life is what you make it.
It is getting close for her to find out the hard way. The money came in useful but her desolate attitude has destroyed the world that was being created. Sure I too spent some of the money but the business went into her name in hope that her confidence would rocket but it didnít.
This has got to be the darkest moment in what life I have lived. First my father dies and it seemed as if a close relationship was beginning to knit. He never did believe in Heaven or Hell but my belief is that he was aiming to make amends with everyone at the end of his life and this has enabled him to spend eternity with God. It gives me a peace thinking so but my latest concern is my wife; the closet being to my own blood is acting in such a way my beliefs in this world are being knocked sideways.
Itís as if she has to ruin every good thing that happens to us. I bought her a business and even that spiraled downwards because she wanted five more minutes. If that isnít a sign of hate, I donít know what is.
Black is my life. Itís the color of my emotions at such a time. Itís like God has decided thereís one person he canít stand-me! We have to endure the judgment seat and in my frame of mind Iím going to be questioning God for this hurtful life I have led.
I thought marriage was meant for happiness and to find a peace that could be shared. Well Jess although I adore her like thereís no other woman on this God forsaken earth sheís become so trapped in her world of pain which her family have caused her from an early age that no one can speak any sense to her and that includes the doctors who inform her of different ways to deal with things.
I wish there was even a beacon of light in the black areas of my own universe but I canít see any way of escape. It even feels as though God has abandoned me in every aspect of the Christian faith. I pray, he doesnít answer me. I study Theology; it seems like a dead end.
If thereís a battle going on between the Devil and God theyíre involving me and in some way testing my ability in this world. I just wish that I could find out why? What is it I have or havenít done? Where or what am I supposed to do?
I want this whole scenario to end!
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