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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Black (10/15/09)

TITLE: My Lighting flashes
By Sharl Perrins
10/15/09


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The keys rattle as if competing with the rolling thunder outside, they never had a chance, he stood motionless in the doorway, thoughts running through his head as fast as wi-fi, as the door flew open, rain pouring down outside, he was soaked, BANG! The double door hit’s the wall as if to state how disgusting it was for him to just through me open like that. The droplets ran down his brow like a cautious snail, slow. Standing in a puddle of water, hands by his side and head drooped, nothing could change it now, he didn’t even ask for this. “It doesn’t matter now T.” The words of his self slowly bring his heart rate to slow, a deep breath and long exhale dropped the tense shoulders of this tower of a man. The lighting flashes, the howling wind kept the bottom of his rain coat flapping like a drowning person. He was drowning wasn’t he? As the water’ rose around his emotions threatening to swallow every last breath he had “Always look for hope” the faint whisper of his mothers voice reassured him as he went to sleep as a little boy. But he was so hurt, he lifted his head and starred at the now open door that kept ticking against the wall anxiously as to say “put me back in my place, that’s how he felt with everyday that passed, his emotions dying, his heart growing cold “I also want to be put back in my place…” A rough, whisper broke the lock of his young, sundried lips with a hint of cracking up, but he couldn’t he was a man, a stature, a role model to his community.”What’s wrong with you T, you acting like a wimp get inside and stop standing in the doorway like a serial killer” his soul kicked into action and his flesh was willing, yet another thought,”what’s wrong with expressing my emotions, I want to cry, it hurts…. “Then cry” A voice unfamiliar to him echoed through his whole body like the rushing waters of a canyon that had just been unleashed by the seasons first rain storm.
T began to think of how he was treated, how the people hate him, fear him, and know what he is. “But they don’t T” That same unfamiliar voice “How do you know my name?” His soul asks “But I’m talking to myself aren’t I the normal thoughts in my head, so why is this voice so unfamiliar yet I’ve heard it before. “You right.” Was this confidence? “You right, they don’t know me, they don’t know how I can play sport or sing” “What about how you care for others T?” The voice adds “Yes, Yes!” T exclaims “and The times I serve and walk my little cousin to the bus stop” “The way you doing everything to your best ability” The voice rejoices. T had no idea what this thought pattern was but he liked it, standing tall now, head lifted, chin up, chest out, the burden of worry lifted he stood in the doorway, knowing he can prove himself. The lighting cracks with an awesome resounding like a gigantic whip and lights the whole area in white, T sees his shadow stained onto the wooden floor of his house and remembers….
“But I’m BLACK…..”


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This article has been read 216 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Laury Hubrich 10/24/09
Am glad to see you wrote an entry but I need to share with you some things that will make it easier to read next time.

Make sure you double-space between paragraphs. Maybe ask someone to proof it for you before you enter.

If it's hard to read, people most probably won't bother. Oh, something that helps me, too - is to read it aloud to myself. Hope this helps you.
Marie Fink10/24/09
There seems to be a progression of hope in the story, from hopeless to hope, I think. Reading your work aloud will help you to understand if what you have written makes sense or not too.
Mark Bell10/26/09
nice portrayal of an inner struggle of a man trying to find his peace in a world that rejects him, and compartmentalizes his chances.

echoing the comments above, many times, i have my editor...i mean, my wife...read my stuff before I submit.

despite the formatting problems that often plague newer posting here, this was a good read. thanks for sharing.
Jan Ackerson 10/27/09
There's a lot of potential here. I agree with the previous commenters...spacing, editing, and taking care with comma splices (run-on sentences) are all things that need attention.

With some polish, I see your writing really starting to shine.