The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
10/17/09
This was a good story. For me as the reader, it might have been easier to read if it was clearer when you were talking about now and when you were talking about four years ago. I had to go back and reread parts of it to completely get the story. Still, it was a well-written piece.
10/18/09
Filled with feeling and despiration. You made us feel it all. Good story.
10/20/09
Well done! You can use italics to do flashbacks, which would make a more clear definition of the timeline. I like this piece - very thought-provoking!
10/20/09
There is much strong emotion and deep feeling in this story, and you convey this very well. I'm glad A.J. began to find healing by the end of the story!
10/20/09
Love that repeating line! Just made this piece come alive for me, a really great story. I can see it being a part of something much bigger! ^_^
10/20/09
I struggled some with tense changes while reading. The underlying story is strong and offers the reader interest.
Mona
10/20/09
Oh, wow! Powerful writing and a gripping story that caught me by the heart. You've got a few tense changes (going from present to past and back) but I felt the burn of the blue fire and my arms ached with your MC's. Love the ending. Very good!
Oooo, powerful story. I agree that spots were slightly confusing, especially with tense mistakes, but overally great job. I would have loved to know just a tad more...was the mother just visiting, or was she coming to adopt back Rose?
10/20/09
You really have some great descriptions and story lines in this story. If it gets a little bit of grammar polish, it will shine!
10/21/09
Well done with the emotional impact of your protagonist!

The switches in tense were distracting to me, but with those cleaned up, this will really sparkle!
10/21/09
Nice work! I thought the "aching arms" device was excellent in creating an underlying tension throughout. While the red rose from Rose was a sweet moment, it read as a little contrived and may have reduced the power of the reunion, and made the resolution more of a Hallmark card than the knockout punch that I was hoping for :).
Very well done, keep writing!