Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Blue (10/08/09)
TITLE: Blue Thoughts
By janice moorcroft
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You are probably thinking; “What’s she here for? She’s fine!!”
But I’m fine due to the pills.
The last 2 ½ years have been a constant battle with anxiety and depression. At times the anxiety has got really bad despite being on beta blockers. I’ve also had times when I’ve felt really good and had lots of plans and ideas. I wouldn’t call them manic highs but they were times of being higher than normal and often not sleeping.
I think I actually cope quite well and I’ve had no time off sick from work nor have I been unable to full-fill my commitments with other things
Any common themes?…..uummm, let me think.
I wouldn’t say there’s a trigger. Most of my times of depression or anxiety seem to have no relationship to what’s going on in my life, which makes them hard to deal with. They sometimes come out of the blue and I can go from feeling good to feeling really low within minutes, or suddenly start feeling physically anxious. Sometimes they creep up on me and it gets harder and harder to work through the “I don’t want to face the day” early morning feeling. It’s as if it weighs me down and I become too tired to fight.
My thought pattern changes too. And I loose confidence in my friends. I think that they don’t like me. This has caused problems on a number of occasions and I know I’ve upset them. I also hate myself, or rather I hate the “depressed me”
At those times I find it incredibly hard to talk about how I’m feeling. Partly because I can’t imagine why anyone would be interested but also because I’m convinced that no-one will want to be my friend “if they really knew me.” The things I want to say seem to build up and I end up sending long emails or lots of text messages, often after I’ve spent time with my friends and failed to say what I’ve wanted.
Any strange thought? Now that’s a very hard question, I don’t think I’m getting secret messages from aliens or inanimate objects! But sometimes my thoughts can be quite intrusive and I get fixed on a certain theme. Most recently, I got extremely upset about some minor changes in our home groups at church. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, writing about it or talking about it. And I cried buckets! (which isn’t like me) Looking back I think, “what was all the fuss about?” and I’m rather embarrassed!
There’s also the urge to do things, which can be quite distressing. Again, a recent example; I was using the church guillotine to cut some leaflets. It’s an old fashioned one with a big steel blade. It’s always made me cringe and I found it really hard to use. While I was cutting the paper I had the urge to cut my arms with it. I could see the picture vividly in my head. I carried on being able to see it for days afterwards but I wasn’t able to talk to anyone as I felt too ashamed. The following week I went to a church with a friend and there were lots of diagonal marks scratched into the pew in front of us. Every-time I looked at them I could see the same marks on my arms. It made me feel sick. I didn’t give into the urges. I have self-harmed in the past but not for about 3 years now.
What am I hoping for?
Mostly support, someone to talk to, take some of the pressure off my friends and hopefully be a reality check! I’m sure I’d find it much easier talking to someone when I know it’s their job to listen, and I’m not intruding in their day and dragging them into my pit!
I hope this helps, it would have been far too easy to come to the appointment and say, “I’m fine now, bye!!” But I don’t think that’s a real option as I know from experience that this keeps coming back. And it stops me being me!”
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