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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sightseeing (08/08/05)

TITLE: Freddie
By Penny Baldwin
08/11/05


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Freddie
Was a
Mouse
He
Kept himself
To
Himself

He did not like
Going out
Much
He had been hurt
Before

His tail
Was sore
Too many cats
Liked the thrill
Of the chase

Poor Freddie
Was not fast enough
The little chap
Could not
Keep up
With the pace

Then there were
The Stinky brothers
Mice from the bad side of the field

They did not think
Much
About
How their words
Came out

Sometimes
Cruel
Venomous words
Spat out

This was the reason
Poor old Freddie
Kept himself
To
Himself

That is
Until
He decided
Enough was enough!

The time had come
To see the one
With eyes so wide
With cuddles
Inside

This wise old mouse
Had much to say
On this wet and windy day

Beside Freddie he was standing
Looking out
Stood upon a rock
Sweeping a paw across the horizon, he said;

“What do you see Freddie?”

“A field”
Squeaked Freddie

“Look beyond the field young mouse, broaden your horizons”

“It looks to big.”
Squeaked Freddie

“Do not limit your faith to what you can see.”
“You can be so much more, than you think you can be!”

NIV Matthew 17 v 20

…” I tell you the truth, if your faith is as big as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. All things will be possible for you.”


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This article has been read 694 times
Member Comments
Member Date
dub W08/15/05
Pretty close, and lots of great rhythm through much of the work. Some adjustments in pace and this is a winner.
Shari Armstrong 08/17/05
Very cute! A great poem for a children's book :)
darlene hight08/19/05
Very fun read. I enjoyed the kept himself to himself. Needs more of an explaination to tie in the scripture I think - more of a build but I too could see this as a childrens picture book.
Debra Brand08/19/05
Needs a little more work and I love little animals in stories. Good concept. Needs 'tweaking'.
Val Clark08/19/05
Found you! A lovely gentle tale. It would have flowed better for me with punctuation. It's written so well that I can identify with Freddie but there's a gap in the story, what motivated him to change?
Carrie Sund08/20/05
I thoughtit was very cute.
Tammy Johnson08/20/05
I hate mice! But I think Freddie sounds like a dear. I enjoyed the poem - I think it would be adorable with some editing as a children's book. I know my daughter would have fun doing illustrations.
Maxx .08/20/05
Simple tail ... powerful lesson! Good job!