The Official Writing Challenge
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08/24/09
You definitely gave me a surprise in the middle of your story, with the clerk knowing Dottie's name. I enjoyed the "angel-unaware" aspect of your story. You've got me thinking.. :) Thanks!
08/24/09
Good, solid writing. Well-told. Homeless and on the street in cold weather...just tragic. Love Angel.
Mona
08/24/09

Well written believable story.
You did a good job of portraying Dottie and her circumstances. I question if a teenage clerk would have been mature enough to assist her in such an excellent manner. (Nothing against teens!)

Overall, nice job. I like it!Thanks for the "hint"; I wouldn't have wanted to miss this one.
I'm glad she had an angel to help her change her life. I enjoyed your story; it made me wonder in how many situations angels have intervened.
08/24/09
I thoroughly enjoyed this story, from beginning to end. It certainly is not your every-day-run-of-the-mill story. This took imagination. I noted that in one of the last paragraphs when you refer to the boy's name tag, that the second quotes around the name "Angel" was before the the double quotes. Double quotes always go after punctuation. You've done an excellent job in the telling of this story. Keep writing! Blessings, Laura
08/24/09
I forgot to say one more thing, Jake. The first time I entered the Writing Challenge, my entry placed 11th. I found out then that it makes no difference how many times your entry is viewed or how many times it is reviewed. That entry I believe before it went to "hinting" had possibly one critique and then, if my memory serves me correctly, it ended up getting very few views and only I believe, two critiques. So - numbers mean nothing. Just a little something to help you feel better about your Writing Challenge entries. Laura
08/25/09
Interesting story I think angels do minister and sometimes by a miracle like in you story. When climbing in the mountains of Andorra, suddenly two men came on the scene and told us to get down the mountains as a storm was brewing - we obeyed and just as we got to the bottom the heavens opened and I'm sure we would have been washed down had we still been up there. Thanks for reminding us we have angels all around us. Colin
08/25/09
A very exciting story, illustrating what people can be driven to by desperation.

A little red ink, since I know you want it: to liven up your writing, chose more "active" verbs, eg instead of "moved" in the first sentence, the cold air could "blow" or "rush" in. Look for unnecessary words that bog down the reader - In the 2nd paragraph: "the $92 which she had in her purse", "which" isn't necessary. In the 3rd paragraph, "for about forty-eight hours" - lose the "about" and make it "two days". Just some suggestions. :) Also, while we all like the thought of angels being there watching out for us, it is an overused convenience and you'll lose points for originality.

I hope this helps you!!
Cat
08/25/09
I could feel Dottie's desperation through your written words.Good story telling.
08/26/09
Hiya Jake. I enjoyed this story and saw 'Angel' more as a challenge to me to be that person, to be aware of the 'the widow, the orphan and the fatherless.' When you edit your work look out for repeated words like 'stepped. As this is a short story it's better to confine it to one moment/event in time. Slip backstory in so that the reader is unaware of it and it doesn't slow the story down. This story really started for me when Dottie enter the store. You handle dialogue well. BTW lots of people skim through the entries and if the first sentence doesn't grab them they move on to another entry. So make that first sentence irrisistable - a good thing to learn if you intend to publish as well. :-) yeggy