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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Winter (the season) (08/13/09)

TITLE: Out of the Cold
By Jacob Drollinger
08/16/09


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It was early January, and the coldest air of the year had just moved down from the Arctic Circle. Dottie and her daughter, Meg, had been living on the street for nearly a week.

It was a bizarre set of circumstances that had led them to this point. Her controlling and abusive husband was to blame for the most part. He had driven her away with the last beating; she had escaped into the night with her seven-year-old under her coat. Somehow they had managed to survive for the past six days on the $92 which she had in her purse when they left, but now the money was gone, and she was desperate. She was young and naïve; she didn’t know anything about shelters for battered women.

She had been contemplating her next move for about forty-eight hours, but the frigid air was forcing her hand. Dottie had to do something, and she had to do it now, or both of them would most certainly die on the street tonight.

The young woman had found a steel bar in a back alley, the back alley where she and Meg had been sleeping at night covered by the wool blanket that she had bought the night of their escape. The cold piece of metal was about the size of a gun barrel, she thought. She was now contemplating the inconceivable. She could feel her heart beating in her chest as she approached a convenience store on the snowy street corner. She was shivering. Oh my Lord, it was so cold!

She stepped inside the store and glanced upwards, towards the corner where the security camera was. She gracefully stepped to the side of the store that the camera was obviously not positioned to observe. She then stuck the end of the bar out of the opening of her coat, and yelled at the man behind the counter, “Hey, mister, keep your hands where I can see them.” The teenage clerk put his hands in the air.

“Okay, now I want you to quickly fill a bag with all the money in the register,” she yelled again, trying to sound as tough as she possibly could. The man pulled a bag out from underneath the counter and opened the cash register. He then started to pull the bills out and feed them into the bag.

“Ma’am, I just want you to know, you don’t have to do this,” the clerk said as softly as he could as to still be heard by the thief.

“Just be quiet and bring me the bag,” Dottie yelled. “You don’t know anything about what I’ve been through.”

The clerk placed the last of the money in the bag and calmly and deliberately stepped from behind the counter and started down the aisle in which Dottie was anxiously waiting. “I believe I know more about you than you think I do, Dottie,” the greasy haired, pimply faced youth spoke to her.

“What? How’d you know my name? Is my husband here?” Dottie asked, breathlessly astonished.
“No, it’s just you and I, Dottie. I know that little Meg is standing right outside the door,” he said, motioning towards the silhouette of the freezing, hungry child. “I also know what drove you to this. I know that he hits you, Dottie. I know that sometimes he hits you so hard it feels like his fist is going right through you,” he said gently. “It’s been five years now, my friend, it’s about time that you are safe.”

“What am I supposed to do? I’ve got no more money, and I can’t get a job dressed the way I am. I’ve never worked before…” Dottie was starting to sob.

“I know that you have been sheltered. In today’s world there are things you can do, places you can go, people that can help,” the young man whispered. “Let’s bring Meg inside, and I’ll make some phone calls.”

Then he took Dottie and Meg to the back of the building, gave each of them a blanket and cup of milk, and dialed the number of a shelter for battered women on the other side of town. “I’ve got somebody coming to pick you up. It’s the end of the longest winter of your life, Dottie.” he said.

At that moment, she glanced at the clerk’s nametag – “Angel”, Funny, he didn’t look like an “Angel”, she thought…without really thinking.


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This article has been read 280 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Beth LaBuff 08/24/09
You definitely gave me a surprise in the middle of your story, with the clerk knowing Dottie's name. I enjoyed the "angel-unaware" aspect of your story. You've got me thinking.. :) Thanks!
Mona Purvis08/24/09
Good, solid writing. Well-told. Homeless and on the street in cold weather...just tragic. Love Angel.
Mona
Jeanne E Webster 08/24/09

Well written believable story.
You did a good job of portraying Dottie and her circumstances. I question if a teenage clerk would have been mature enough to assist her in such an excellent manner. (Nothing against teens!)

Overall, nice job. I like it!Thanks for the "hint"; I wouldn't have wanted to miss this one.
Verna Cole Mitchell 08/24/09
I'm glad she had an angel to help her change her life. I enjoyed your story; it made me wonder in how many situations angels have intervened.
Laura Manley08/24/09
I thoroughly enjoyed this story, from beginning to end. It certainly is not your every-day-run-of-the-mill story. This took imagination. I noted that in one of the last paragraphs when you refer to the boy's name tag, that the second quotes around the name "Angel" was before the the double quotes. Double quotes always go after punctuation. You've done an excellent job in the telling of this story. Keep writing! Blessings, Laura
Laura Manley08/24/09
I forgot to say one more thing, Jake. The first time I entered the Writing Challenge, my entry placed 11th. I found out then that it makes no difference how many times your entry is viewed or how many times it is reviewed. That entry I believe before it went to "hinting" had possibly one critique and then, if my memory serves me correctly, it ended up getting very few views and only I believe, two critiques. So - numbers mean nothing. Just a little something to help you feel better about your Writing Challenge entries. Laura
Colin Swann08/25/09
Interesting story I think angels do minister and sometimes by a miracle like in you story. When climbing in the mountains of Andorra, suddenly two men came on the scene and told us to get down the mountains as a storm was brewing - we obeyed and just as we got to the bottom the heavens opened and I'm sure we would have been washed down had we still been up there. Thanks for reminding us we have angels all around us. Colin
Catrina Bradley 08/25/09
A very exciting story, illustrating what people can be driven to by desperation.

A little red ink, since I know you want it: to liven up your writing, chose more "active" verbs, eg instead of "moved" in the first sentence, the cold air could "blow" or "rush" in. Look for unnecessary words that bog down the reader - In the 2nd paragraph: "the $92 which she had in her purse", "which" isn't necessary. In the 3rd paragraph, "for about forty-eight hours" - lose the "about" and make it "two days". Just some suggestions. :) Also, while we all like the thought of angels being there watching out for us, it is an overused convenience and you'll lose points for originality.

I hope this helps you!!
Cat
Ada Nett08/25/09
I could feel Dottie's desperation through your written words.Good story telling.
Val Clark08/26/09
Hiya Jake. I enjoyed this story and saw 'Angel' more as a challenge to me to be that person, to be aware of the 'the widow, the orphan and the fatherless.' When you edit your work look out for repeated words like 'stepped. As this is a short story it's better to confine it to one moment/event in time. Slip backstory in so that the reader is unaware of it and it doesn't slow the story down. This story really started for me when Dottie enter the store. You handle dialogue well. BTW lots of people skim through the entries and if the first sentence doesn't grab them they move on to another entry. So make that first sentence irrisistable - a good thing to learn if you intend to publish as well. :-) yeggy