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My mind pitted against my body
Desperate for attention
Tell me I’m beautiful,
I’m worth something to somebody.
My cadaverous eyes peer into the mirror
Harsh and critical.
I will beat my body into submission
until the excess is gone, I promise myself.
My ears strain for the assuaging words
“Look at you! You look so good!”
But my yearnings are vastly relentless,
And I vow to lose yet more.
My mouth longs to consume
Appetite is transformed into obsession.
But the paucity of substance
Must always reign.
My sense of smell has been hijacked
Scents of food become repulsive
Hunger masquerades as nausea
“I don’t feel well; probably shouldn’t eat.”
My hands flip through volumes
Of cookbooks and recipes
Pulling sustenance from the glossy pages
While my being recoils from ingesting the calories.
“You’re just jealous of me,
I’m not sick.
My self control is phenomenal
I’d like to see you practice such restraint.”
But I want out now
My mind is trapped
Constantly adding up fat grams
Incapable of focusing elsewhere.
Why do I exist?
Where’s God in these circumstances?
I’m crying myself to sleep every night
Longing for love and comfort.
I’ve been slipping too often,
My clothes no longer hang from my bones
Feel the need to hurt myself
Punish my body with pain.
I’m fighting a losing battle,
Lord, what’s happened to me?
So out of control, I’m irrational
My life has become a sea of tears.
Alright, I need to surrender.
Can’t get anywhere on my own.
It’s so beyond food now
God, please help me get better!
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