Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Empty and Full (06/04/09)
TITLE: Dear Jesus, Let me die
By Rachel Lerch
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Desperation plus hopelessness equals torture. I am empty of pride, ability, honor, joy and hope. I am full of shame, self-hatred, sadness, guilt and grief. How can a Christian experience this? Surely you will tell me that I’m sinning... If I’m doing it right, this should not be.
I wandered out into the snow, one desperate night... with no plans, except to drink a lot of wine and get away from life. Razor blade in hand, I stumbled into the woods, first objective met. And fell, crying into a heap under a tangle of vines. I called her number, and heard her telling me to stay awake.
I’ve been so blind. Somewhere in the snow, I lost my glasses. I’m intoxicated with a strangling despair and I just can’t figure it out. Remember when we used to dance? Every breath I took was You. We glided high above the earth, untouchable... invincible. And now I’ve fallen, laid out on the cold ice fumbling for the blade.
Why, when I lived for You, have I found this death? Why, when I’m dying, do You keep me alive? I clawed for that blade! It was mine, in my hands! I opened it up and owned it, ready. And in pieces, in itty-bitty pieces, it crumbled to the ground, and was gone, just like that. You left me empty-handed and cold, sobbing into the night. An icy, hopeless night, long, until the white turned red and blue and the stretcher hugged my back.
Still I cry, full of shame, full of despair, and full of hope! And I cry out, I love You too!
Oh sweet Jesus, I love You too.
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