The Official Writing Challenge
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06/04/09
Well, that was certainly a good twist for the ending! Didn't see that one coming, though i was wondering what the catch would be.

One note, for a 10-year-old, Bobby seems to see-saw back and forth between a 5 year old and a 12 year old. Try to stay consistent with the age appropriate dialog and omit tags like "Little Bobby" when you've got a young character over 8 years old. it makes it more realistic.

Otherwise, good job. I hope the family can weather that surprise.
06/04/09
I agree with the other comment, but maybe I'm around the wrong ten year olds. Or maybe you were trying to give it a "Brady Bunch" feel, everything is too good to be true.

It was an awesome twist and certainly made a sweet day bitter. I was left wonderding why the 13 year old wasn't with the rest of the picture perfect family. That is a good thing, your story wasn't forgettable.
06/06/09
Likewise I approached the ending wondering where the bitterness was. Your surprise would be improved by a reference or two to Roberta earlier in the story, perhaps by having the mother worry aloud whether she was okay.
Nevertheless an energetic story - almost makes me want to make a fool of myself on the slopes!
06/10/09
I liked this we have all been there in the car with a child impatient to get there! I agree I thought he was about 6 or seven and then when he skied to be 13 or so but the little sparrow description dd not fit. I liked the tension. I hoped he was not going to have an accident and be airlifted off the mountain. I think you should have made daughter older 16 maybe because it does not quite work otherwise.