The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/09/09
How frustrating it must be not to be able to breathe!

There were several instances where you had unnecessary commas, somewhat lessening the "flow" of this story.

You did a good job of helping your readers to empathize with Molly.
05/14/09
Interesting. Perhaps if you focused on one asthma incident, it would help the reader to relate to the feeling of it. Keep writing.