My dad was in my life until I was thirteen….then he walked out. Yup, just opened the door, carried his suitcases down the steps, started his car and left. He didn’t even say goodbye. That was the day my heart closed up and 12 years later it’s just barely peeking open again. That’s why I’m alone…if my daddy doesn’t love me then why would any other man?
God loves me.
My dad would come see me every other weekend. I would get home from school, pack a bag, grab my cell phone and he would arrive on Friday night at 7 o’clock, honking the horn. I would run out the door kissing mom goodbye, jump in the car and then…..silence.
God speaks to me.
After a few polite sentences the conversation stopped. He would stare straight ahead, and I would turn up the music. Dad tried to talk over the weekend, but I didn’t respond well. I was hurt and the best way to hurt him back was not to respond. That’s what I did.
It got somewhat better when he remarried a couple of years later. He married Kara, a woman with a daughter one year younger than me. Ashley and I became good friends and it helped to have someone to hang with every other weekend. However, I began to notice that dad and Ashley were close. My dad was her dad. She got to live with him….I did not. My heart stayed closed.
God mends broken hearts.
When Ashley married, I was her maid-of-honor. It was MY dad that walked her down the isle and gave her away…not her dad. I didn’t think it would bother me that much, but it did…a lot, especially when I saw dad cry.
After that wedding, my mom remarried. Jim’s an awesome guy…I really like him. But, he wasn’t my dad and I felt disloyal liking him. It took me awhile to realize I could love without feeling guilty.
God knew I’d figure it out.
Ashley is now having her first baby. My dad is over-the-top excited to be a granddaddy. It should be me having his first grandchild…but it’s not. I’ll cry later.
My earthly dad has walked in and out of my life since I was thirteen. The pain is there, the feelings of rejection rears it’s head on occasion, but praise God I have a Father who has never left me, never rejected me and will always love me more than any earthly father ever could.
Do I hear…AMEN?
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