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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Anger (01/24/05)

TITLE: Hidden Anger


Stepping out into the dark night, my right foot gently caressed the curb. I had stepped off this curb hundreds of times as I exited the music building at my college. I was spending a lot of time in that building as I prepared for my senior piano recital. Only two days away was the thought that was certainly in my head as was the music that I had prepared to play. My arms were loaded down with books and my thoughts were certainly not on the placement of my feet. Just one second and my recital plans were to change in ways I could not foresee. In that split second I fell toward the right side of my body, books were scattering away from me and intense pain was shooting in my body. My concern was focused on my right hand that seemed to have born the brunt of the fall.

If you had asked me at that moment if I was angry, I would have said no. Was I devastated, in pain, resolute that nothing deters me, afraid, feeling stupid all mixed up within me? That would have been a big yes.

What I did not know was that in the heart of me anger was lingering among all those other strong emotions. I had learned that anger was not an emotion to be expressed by anyone who would call herself a Southern lady.

Deep down I was angry; angry with myself first for being so stupid as to allow myself to be imperfect enough to trip and fall. Secondly, I was angry most of all at God for confusing me with this terrible set back to my recital plans and, not only my recital plans, but also my graduation plans. God, why did you not stop this from happening? Why did this have to happen? If you are so great, why can you not keep bad things from happening to me? All of these thoughts were shoved way down deep, but were still there just the same.

Having the privilege of revisiting this life-changing event has shown me that the anger that was behind the tears and agony surely was raw and surely was real. Was it justified?

I believe my basic premise, which was that a perfect God does not allow imperfect things to happen to his children, is against his nature. I was angry because the God I had fashioned was not acting in the way I wanted him to.

Was God acting unjustly toward me? Was my anger righteous anger? Jesus displayed this type of anger in the Temple when he threw out the moneychangers who were making a mockery of Godís house. My motive was certainly not at that level.

Facing my anger years after the fact has taught me that feeling the emotion at the core of pain and loss and giving it to God for healing is essential.

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This article has been read 979 times
Member Comments
Member Date
paula burbidge01/31/05
as a fellow pianist my heart goes out to you, and I can totally understand your 'hidden anger'
Norma OGrady02/01/05
Anger with God...I think most need a scape goat...
someone... anyone to blame..
Thank you for sharing
Yeshua bless
Deborah Anderson02/05/05
Good point. Thank you so much for sharing. God bless you.
Debbie OConnor02/05/05
"I was angry because the God I had fashioned was not acting in the way I wanted him to." Isn't that always how it is when we get mad at God? Great insight. A well written, thought provoking article.
Deborah Porter 02/07/05
Yvonne, congratulations on receiving a Highly Commended award in the Level 1 Champion Challenge. There were around 62 entries at this level, so to receive this award is really a credit to you. Congratulations again and I hope you'll keep rising to the Challenge. With love, Deb (Challenge Co-ordinator)