Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Anger (01/24/05)
If you had asked me at that moment if I was angry, I would have said no. Was I devastated, in pain, resolute that nothing deters me, afraid, feeling stupid all mixed up within me? That would have been a big yes.
What I did not know was that in the heart of me anger was lingering among all those other strong emotions. I had learned that anger was not an emotion to be expressed by anyone who would call herself a Southern lady.
Deep down I was angry; angry with myself first for being so stupid as to allow myself to be imperfect enough to trip and fall. Secondly, I was angry most of all at God for confusing me with this terrible set back to my recital plans and, not only my recital plans, but also my graduation plans. God, why did you not stop this from happening? Why did this have to happen? If you are so great, why can you not keep bad things from happening to me? All of these thoughts were shoved way down deep, but were still there just the same.
Having the privilege of revisiting this life-changing event has shown me that the anger that was behind the tears and agony surely was raw and surely was real. Was it justified?
I believe my basic premise, which was that a perfect God does not allow imperfect things to happen to his children, is against his nature. I was angry because the God I had fashioned was not acting in the way I wanted him to.
Was God acting unjustly toward me? Was my anger righteous anger? Jesus displayed this type of anger in the Temple when he threw out the moneychangers who were making a mockery of God’s house. My motive was certainly not at that level.
Facing my anger years after the fact has taught me that feeling the emotion at the core of pain and loss and giving it to God for healing is essential.
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