The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/04/09
A good cautionary tale for college-aged readers.

Apart from the word "soften" toward the end, I didn't find a way for this to fit this week's topic. And perhaps a second edit for sentence structure and paragraphing, to make your work a bit smoother?

This work has potential--keep writing!
05/05/09
Good story. Think before we act. Paragraph separations would be helpful. Keep writing!
05/06/09
You make a good point--thanks for sharing this! I would suggest improving the flow of the prose by removing words that don't add meaning or feeling. For example, in the first sentence, I would remove the words 'of' and 'while' to make it read, "Jake looked out his third-story window, taking in the lively atmosphere of another spring day."