The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
04/19/09
My favorite part of this was when Karen said, "Lacey's going to be just fine..." Such spiritual maturity and grace!
04/19/09
You have a strong first sentence, something that makes the reader want to go on...that's very good.

From time to time there were a few too many adjectives such as in the paragraph beginning with: "My mind floundered..." and I got a bit confused on the point of view here: "Kate was like a second daughter and this was going to be almost as hard as losing Jacey."

Overall you have a good way of moving the story forward and my favorite line was: "Of course, there was no answer. Just the soft whisper of the ventilator that was keeping Jacey alive."

Good job and keep writing.

Blessings, Sonya
Nice job. You painted a clear picture of the MC's distress. I, too, got confused at the little POV switch to Karen, but that's an easy fix. Great job on the topic. Loved the contrast between the hot room and her cold heart.
04/19/09
I can feel the sadness and agony expressed in your article, drawing me close to tears. You have done a great job in describing the details. Jacey is certainly going to be fine in the hands of the Lord.
I enjoyed your story. It is full of emotion, yet resolves with the hope we have as believers. Nicely done.
04/21/09
I agree with some of the other comments here such as too many adjectives and getting lost in the POV. However, there is some really great writing here and your emotion really comes through. Keep up the good work!
Moving story! A sad piece but with promise as Jacey will be with her heavenly father. God bless, and keep up the good work. Janice
Well I needed to have a hanky for this story. Wow. Done well. It was heartwrenching and I too wanted to embrace the MC.
04/22/09
This is so sad. It reminds me of the time my mentor friend died. Brought back so many memories but she is in Heaven with no pain. Those are very happy thoughts.