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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Passport (07/25/05)

TITLE: Eliyahu
By Brandi Roberts
07/26/05


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It was a beautiful afternoon. The birds twittered, flitting here and there, finding small morsels to whet their appetite, while the sun played hopscotch with the clouds. The grass, lush, was a gorgeous shade of green and a soft breeze carried the faint scent of spring to tickle the senses of those who had wandered outside. It was the perfect day to sit and enjoy all of God's handiwork.

Eliyahu, a handsome, young man with short brown hair, was too busy to notice.

"Hurry up!" The constable ordered. "Your passport, now!"

Eliyahu fumbled through his pockets, in a desperate search for any form of identification. Finally, he found something and breathed a sigh of relief.. "This is all I have, officer." He handed him the tattered papers of his driver's license.

"No. Not good enough. I demand your passport!" The constable's eyes burned a deep red, and he ordered again. "Your passport, now!"

"I- I'm sorry." Eliyahu stuttered. "I didn't... I didn't know that I needed it."

"You Jews, always the same. Lie, lie, lie. You think you can get away with anything." The constable grabbed Eliyahu and pushed him to his knees, tying his hands behind his back with a rope. "Get up!" He screamed in Eliyahu's face as he pulled on the nylon rope that had he has used in binding his hands. As quickly as he had gotten up, the officer was pushing him in the direction of the nearest German quarters.

As they stepped into the foyer of the elaborate brick building, the room went silent. The deep stench of hatred filled Eliyahu's nostrils, as every eye pierced his.

"Bring him here!" A general stood in the corridor leading to what looked like a row of cells. "What has he done?" It seemed that even the walls were watching him.

"I caught him attempting to buy food from a German woman." A lie! Eliyahu thought. And he accused ME of lying! It was clear now that he had done nothing wrong, it was just more persecution. Had they not suffered enough? Adonai, I don't understand. Eliyahu breathed a short prayer.

"Put him in a cell. I will deal with him." The general commanded. The constable untied Eliyahu and pushed him into the cell. The foul scent of urine and sweat wafted through the bars of his cell; the man directly across the hall from him was the obvious source. He looked like he had been there for quite some time, malnourished and beaten. Left to stool in his own excrement, he was a wretched mess, covered in bruises and filthy.

"Your passport, where is it?" His thoughts of nauseated pity for the man were interrupted. The general stood in front of his cell door.

"I told him, I don't have it. I left it at home. I didn't know I needed it just to walk around." He replied.

"What business do you have trying to buy anything from a German?" The general questioned him.

"I wasn't trying to buy..."

"Stop lying!" The general cut him off, and walked away. Eliyahu watched him, looking for some sort of hint as to what his fate held. The hard flat cement bench was cold and dirty, he shifted his weight to find comfort. Yeshua, you know my need. Please, rescue me! Already his mind had wandered to envision himself in the same state as the other man being held. He shuddered.

All of a sudden, the walls began to shake. The lights swung to and fro on their wires. The earth was moving in a way he had never felt before. Eliyahu jumped to his feet. What's happening? He wondered. The men in the office were frantically looking for a place to hide. Eliyahu grabbed the bars on the cell door and found that it had been jarred open. He walked out of his cell, and seeing that the officers had hid themselves, he made his way out of the building and into the street where it seemed that nothing had been touched. The man who had been in the cell opposite him, was now standing beside them, marvelling at what had just taken place.

"Do you want a place to wash?" Eliyahu asked the man. He nodded. "Come with me." The two of them began the long walk back to Eliyahu's flat. Suddenly a thought struck him. "Hey," He stopped him, "Can I tell you about Yeshua?" The man smiled, the first sign of emotion he had shown since Eliyahu first laid eyes on him. It was then that he understood.


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This article has been read 995 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Elisabeth Seiter08/01/05
Absolutely marvelous!
Nina Phillips08/01/05
Beautiful story. Jesus set us free. God bless ya, littlelight
Phyllis Inniss 08/01/05
"It was then that he understood". Revelation comes to us when we are close to God. Good entry.
Shari Brian08/01/05
You've got MY vote! This is an awesome story. Way past beginner status...
Debra Brand08/02/05
A sure winner! Excellent usage, drama and reality. Out of the box top!
Shari Armstrong 08/02/05
Very well written!
Pat Guy 08/05/05
Good intesity that kept the interest throughout. Good job.
Crista Darr08/06/05
A wonderful entry! I wish that you would have actually told us about Yeshua in the piece. Not only would that bless any Jew who might read this, but it would also help Christians in their own witnessing.
darlene hight08/06/05
Wonderful! Riveting story! Held me beginning to end.
Sally Hanan08/06/05
'You think you can get away with anything' and you can't get away with being in beginners :)Good job!
Randy Shaffer08/06/05
WOW - it might be time to move to intermediate. This is great - very powerful.
Deborah Porter 08/08/05
Brandi, this was a really wonderful story and you would have definitely been in the running for an award ... but the bad news was that you were too far over the word count maximum and so had to be disqualified. It was so close and I must have checked the count about half a dozen times in the hope that I was wrong. Unfortunately I wasn't, so to be fair to everyone who makes it within the limit, we couldn't include it in the judging.

The maximum allowed for the Challenge is 750 words (and I do add a little extra on for differences in word counters). Your entry came in at 763, which was just too far over to be fair to everyone else. But Brandi, you are a gifted writer and I'm sure you'll do well in future challenges. Just keep the word count limits in mind when you enter - 150 minimum and 750 words maximum.

Love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator)