The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
03/12/09
Adventurous writng! Intriguing and descriptive.
Poor Ben, I hope the rifle toting man turned out to be helpful. Very adventurous.
03/14/09
A very funny story. It was just as well there were a few Jeeps in the area, or both men would have been very dead! I really liked your portrayal of the MC's utter madness, as though he had wandered in the desert for days!

The scale of this story disturbed me. After all, if your MC was taking his last breaths, he would be in no condition to walk over to a camp "in the distance." It might be worth cutting a little of the drama to make it more practical. This story certainly has enough adventure to cut a little incredulity.

03/14/09
This is good. Just when he thought it was another mirage...

I felt the ending was a bit rushed and didn't really end. It didn't seem to "tie up" well for me.

I loved your line "He could almost tough it... no, that would hurt." It made me laugh. :) Good job.
03/17/09
The inner dialog with himself is great, and the action is well written. I agree about the end kind of "falling off", but I enjoyed this story.
I liked how the story engaged the reader into the drama of the story. I think briefly touching upon the reason the MC was in the desert in the first place would help improve the readers engagement. Creative story!
This piece is like a diamond in the rough, and is not finished becoming yet. I couldn't help keep thinking you were working on a connection like with Jonah, the shade, the worm eating it, etc. Maybe there's more than one piece here...