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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: The Reason for the Season of Christmas (12/04/08)

TITLE: God and Money
By Josiah Kane
12/08/08


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David sat by his desktop entranced by the screen; fingers flashing expertly across the keyboard. He thought that he might possibly get the monthly accounts report in on time. Then he was interrupted yet again by the sharp snap of the letterbox. Another card had arrived.

Seasons greetings
As part of the excellent service we at Tesco seek to provide for your fullest enjoyment, please use the enclosed gift voucher to maximum effect this Christmas. We offer a 5% discount on all items for the week leading up to Christmas.
Merry Shopping, and may Santa be with you always.

Managing Director
Jack Johnson


David hated this kind of junk. His thumb slipped between two fingers, dragging a long jagged rent along the card. He crumpled the advert, and hurled it at the bin. It fell short, tumbling along the carpet and coming to rest by a similar green card from Marks & Spencers, as well as a corpulent crimson Santa from Asda.

Inflamed, David made his way back to his den. He stole a furtive glance at the row of benevolent cards on the mantelpiece—those his wife had not agreed were “a bunch of trashy propaganda by lying leeches.” He squelched into his padded seat, gulped from a large can of Coke, and released a satisfied burp. His wife complained at his working the festive season. But if she wanted to be any better than the paupers she shared her church with, he had to bring home the bacon. And whether she liked it or not, his bosses were the pig farmers. Eyes dry, he continued to work.

The phone rang. After a minute of beating around the bush, the Mrs. asked him to fetch their children. “Please, 3:00. Not like last time,” she pleaded. So David pressed both shoes against the carpet and heaved himself out of his seat. He waddled through the front door and clambered into his Jaguar. Soon Sam and Elie rushed at him, singing merrily. All the way home they were quoting scripts from the Christmas pageant. A serious danger of dozing at the wheel!

When he got home, a pair of Christmas evangelists were waiting at his door. He quickly sent them packing with the remark “Even my five-year-old girl can tell you that story!” They insisted he take a flier, and he reluctantly agreed. A poor quality printout with repulsive format: worthless. As the bin was out of his way, he stuffed the sheet into his pocket and squelched back into his padded seat, gulping from another can. He finished his report at five to five, made a few minor edits, and sent it off. Lacking anything better to do he fished the flier from his pocket and unfurled it. Though the layout was atrocious, the content plucked a heart-string, plucking a sound that resonated deep within his gut and told him it was true.

It was a novel take on the subject of Christmas: based upon John 1, it emphasized the idea that Jesus was God sacrificing himself to save mankind. Scarcely mentioning Mary, shepherds or astrologers, it described the reason for it all. Peter knew enough of the Bible and visited his wife's church upon occasion. He believed that he was safe from any Hell. Then at the bottom of the flier, catching his eye as if encrusted in angelic halos and spoken to him by a bona fide prophet was a seemingly unrelated verse. “No man can serve two masters. You cannot serve both God and money” planted within a paragraph on the commercial Christmas

When his wife came home, she found him crying. On his computer screen were countless verses from an Internet Bible. Highlighted in each verse was “Money”. On the desk Peter's Rolex watch, cellphone, and palmtop, lay in pile beneath an “unneeded” post-it. On Christmas Day Peter rose and walked shamelessly to the front of his wife's church and testified that he had been serving money and himself, and that Jesus peeking through one of their fliers had saved his soul.

In heaven Jesus was reminded again that all had been worthwhile. Another lost sheep had come home. And the angels had an especially jubilant Christmas party.


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Member Comments
Member Date
Carole Robishaw 12/16/08
This was very good. If only we could all come to know Him that easily.
Teresa Lee Rainey12/16/08
I really enjoyed reading this story. Knowing who wrote it makes it even better. Hopefully there was some pleasure in the writing. You did a great job getting your message across. The only critique I will give is that when your MC was upset with the mail recieved at first, I thought he was upset because they missed the meaning of Christmas. It didn't take very long for me to realize I was mistaken.

Your writing is much more advanced than my teenage sons'. That is a talent I, for one, hope to see you continue to work with. :)
Deborah Engle 12/16/08
Overall, this was a fine piece of writing-certainly beyond beginner level. The story flowed, and every word contributed to the story.

I was just a bit confused on first reading, about where he was at. I assumed he was at work, but later it seems he must have been working at home. There were also one or two word choices that caused me to wonder-waddled out the door? Neither of these would be a major problem to elimiante if you were going to edit further.

Be encouraged. This is a fine first effort.
Sandra DeHoogh12/16/08
Your style of writing kept me reading all the way to the end.
Karlene Jacobsen 12/16/08
You have quite an advanced style for a teenager. Do you enjoy writing? It seems that you have a natural talent for it.
Leah Nichols 12/17/08
Very good writing! I think you changed your MC's name, though. As far as a mild critique: you have a great talent for using creative words, but you don't always have to use extraordinary words....I was distracted by the word "squelched" used twice. Sometimes ordinary words will keep the reader's attention on the story better than an unusual one. For fiction, you want your reader to be drawn into the story, not just admiring your writing talents. A good point you have made with this piece - nicely done!
Lyn Churchyard12/18/08
Josiah, this is a very good piece of writing. You have ability beyond most teens. I particularly loved your last sentence. Well done, keep using your talent for the Lord.
Clyde Blakely 12/18/08
Loved the analogy of the pig farmers. Agree with Lynne's comment. Keep writing and God bless.

Clyde Blakely 12/18/08
I'm glad Leah noticed the name change but I think she may have missed the significance: as Saul's name was changed when he met with his Saviour, so David became Peter. Biblical names with such significance!