The Official Writing Challenge
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So well written for a beginner!The descriptions, action and build-up were great. I was a bit let down at the end, though. I think I know the effect you wanted to make with the end, but I think it may have been stronger if you'd ended with a line about them "finally arriving being home" or something to that effect.Probably just me. Keep up the mature writing!
11/30/08
OH NO! I didn't expect it to end like that!
You used your dialogue and descriptions very well to set up the mood. I prefer happier endings, but this was well done.
12/01/08
Well done. Not the hoped for ending but definitely a "grabber".
12/01/08
This is well written. The opening sentence took the reader straight into the scene and the emotions of the story. Your characters are very well portrayed: the giggly girl and stressed out older brother. Your short sentences in the paragraph describing the crash give it a tense feel and sense of immediacy.
I agree with the previous comment that the ending is weak compared to the body of the writing. You obviously intended for it to be punchy, and I think that was a good choice, but then it wasn't quite punchy enough. I think part of the 'problem' was that you mentioned the county name 3 times and that became tedious.
Keep writing! If you keep going like this I wouldn't expect you to stay in beginners for long!
Noooooo! Your writing is wonderful. The story held my attention from the beginning. . . I just don't like sad endings. I know, it is reality and you did a wonderful job conveying it, but I would have loved to have them make it through the crash and think how they "almost" didn't make it.
12/02/08
Wow! Great writing! The deer, and the accident, were described so well, my heart is still racing! This should place well. :)