As the clock slowly rotated, the ticking of its motor became an obnoxious clatter, making every movement spark a reaction. It is five, isn't it? (I thought in my head), he will be home any minute, we will eat, then discuss taking fifteen youth to the pier tomorrow morning . Some for their first fishing trip ever oh, how I long to speak with you...
Did I forget an appointment? Is he working overtime? Did I miss the call? Did the answering machine pick up?
Where are you beloved?
The livingroom became a casket and every headlight spurred my attention. The least of sounds became an avalanche of noise ringing wildly in my ears! I began imagining him.... dead on the side of the road, hit by a car while changing a tire, or maybe stopping to help someone and being mugged. As time progressed so did my thoughts....
Where could he be? Itís already 9:00 P.M.!
Praying for a glimpse into the situation, as least I 'd know then ! Was he robbed? Beaten? Did he ever put his check in the bank? Then I'd know at what point he vanished? So I went to the ATM a check had been submitted around noon so where then ? Only God knew!
The night passed with prayer and mourning, Confusion and worry. The one thing God allowed me to see the next morning at 5: 00 A.M.(I praise Him for it! ) Through the blur of sleeplessness, despair and hopelessness were the glowing faces of children that needed me to teach them how to bait a hook (with a smelly ole' worm ), how to cast a line without crossing ten others. And most of all on that humid July morning (that was designed before the beginning of time)God needed me to share the gospel of Jesus Christ through my laughter, attention and Ice cream sundaes with fifteen of the most amazing kids I will ever meet! Some of whom still come and talk about that fishing trip today. That was my sanity on a day when I brushed close to hysterical and danced with uncertainty.
Call the police? (Many of you are probably thinking duh you should have done that two paragraphs back ) But he has a record? I know he's been clean for seven years but what if...? Over and over again the money was upon my spirit so once again I trudged to the ATM.
My balance read ZERO after all the deposits I had made in the account of dating, engagement, and now marriage for the last five years, was this possible? There must be a mistake.... He would never..... Someone must have robbed him made him use the card against his will?
A police report! Frantic thoughts roaming around in my head! I need to call my mother!
As I was speaking to my mother" he is missing, ďjust then a familiar car drove up below, as I peered down from the balcony"He's here I have to go " running at light speed it took exactly two seconds to reach that car and another two seconds to realize why the money was gone and how it took my husband away with it.
At that moment a stirring came from within, much like the whale must of felt that vomited Jonah upon the beach. Anger came spewing into my spirit, an anger so pure yet so destructive. An Anger invisible to the eye, my children, my family even, my husband could not see it, but it was very visible to God. It was as if I was turned inside out and laid with thorns. I had been betrayed, rejected, uprooted, forgotten I was alone yet surrounded.... I was broken yet whole!
In the aftermath of that storm as the rubble washed up onto the shore, many things became known....
The only way to get rid of anger is to sit in the vast pool of our Heavenly Fathers forgiveness ...Even though I'd been betrayed, I was the one who held onto the hurt, pain, bitterness, emptiness. Treasuring it, needing it for survival not knowing that it was the very thing that was killing me. Forgiveness frees the soul ,not confines it, opens the wound yes, but cleans it also by disinfecting it so the healing can really begin !
Thank You Jesus for setting me free from myself !
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