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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Christmas Cooking/Baking (not recipes) (10/16/08)

TITLE: Cookies
By Kelly Jacobsen
10/20/08


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The Holidays were booked, as it was every year for the Daniels family. Every year they labored over a hot oven and baked cookies for the Children’s Hospital. “Christmas Eve was a very hard time for families at places like that.” Mom would say constantly

It was Sandy's turn to take the holiday-baked cookies to the fourth floor. She did not understand why she had to, but this is the Christian thing to do right?

It was half-past five and her head throbbed, not because she had hardly drunk any water that day, but because she did not want to be there. It seemed as though her parents did not care for her social life at all. What was so spiritual about a little baking soda, sugar, and flour? Tonight was supposed to be the greatest night of her life. All her friends were going to this "once in a life-time" concert. She was supposed to be there! However, she had volunteered to deliver cookies way before she knew of it.

She went through the routine of going to every room, putting on a "cheerful" face, and trying to care for whatever their situation may be. Surprisingly it passed by quicker than she expected. Room number, 452 was the next and last stop. She knocked slightly and walked in to notice an old wrinkled man sitting in a chair beside a sleeping child. Surrounding the bed were balloons of all sorts, “Get Well Soon,” 1 stated and, “We Love You, Merry Christmas!”

"Excuse me; I'm sorry I'll leave you alone." She said feeling as though she had just intruded.

“What do ya want?” He snapped.

“Well, I just uh, here are some home made cookies, family recipe.” She said handing the little package of assorted Christmas cookies with scriptures engraved on the red wrapping.

“Well thanks.” He accepted them, as the girl in the bed stirred slowly opening one eye.

“Did I miss something?” The girl with red polka dotted pajamas asked, awaking from a peaceful rest.

“No, she was just leaving, right?” He said emphatically.

“Yes, well, I’ll let you alone now, Merry Christmas.” Sandy said as she half-darted to the door.

Suddenly the girl fully sparked to life “No, actually, Grandpa was just leaving… right?”

“Well, I.” He defended.

“You have to drink coffee some time right?” The girl scolded. “Didn’t you also mention earlier that you had Christmas shopping to do?

“Ok.” He said. “I’ll be back before 8.” He answered gruffly.

“No hurry.” She called as the grandfather walked through the doorway. Then the girl spoke. “Is he gone?”

“Yea, I think so.” Sandy replied, stunned.

Explaining she stated, “He really is loveable my Grandpa; although he hasn’t been the same since Grandma died. He doesn’t mean any harm.” Continuing she asked, “So, what’s your name?”

“Sandy Daniels.” She replied turning her attention back to the girl. “What’s yours?”

“Samantha, people call me Sam.” She replied. “So, where’s those cookies you brought. He’ll never let me have those.” She said as she sat up and looked around the room.
Sandy handed them to her.

Sam ripped open the package and shoved the cookie into her mouth. “Oh, these are delicious!” Her eyes looked as though they would explode. “I haven’t had a cookie in a long time.”

“What happened?” Sandy asked.

“No matter, I’ve been sick for a long time. This feels like home.” She looked around as she munched on another cookie.

“I’m sorry.” She answered feeling embarrassed.

“Don’t be. The chips have fallen in my favor.” As she finished her statement, she shoved the cookie under the covers and looked to the door. Appearing in what now seemed small doorway an elderly plump black woman.

“Well, if it isn't my star patient. How are you doing?” She said walking around to the right side of the bed. “I see, you have visitors.” She said acknowledging the teenage girl sitting on the corner of the bed.
“So, what have you been up to?” She asked Sam like a detective.

“Nothing much,” Then she rebutted. “What have you been up to?” Sam answered ending the questioning.

“Ya stay out of trouble, ya hear.”

“Yes maim.” She answered.

After the nurse left, she turned her attention back to Sandy, “Want to play some cards?”

“Sure,” She answered forgetting all other wants of concerts and such. “I’d love to.”


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This article has been read 340 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Racheal Chand10/25/08
Very nice story line. I noticed some grammar and spelling errors, which is an easy fix. One thing I think to focus on is to make sure the conversation is age appropriate to your character. At times the vocabulary you used made the child seem like an adult and the teen sound older as well. Your story is beautiful and you have a great talent, keep writing.
Joshua Janoski10/25/08
I love that the MC had a change of heart at the end of the story.

I saw some missing commas and such, but those are easy fixes, and they didn't detract from the story.

I see a lot of talent here, and I think whoever wrote this will just keep getting better the more he/she enters the challenge. Good job!
Celeste Ammirata10/28/08
This is a sweet, heartfelt story. Like mentioned above, there were a few small errors, but they didn't take away from the message. You have talent. Keep Writing.
Catrina Bradley 10/28/08
Excellent story! You might want to somehow nail down the girl's age - she is called a "child" so I pictured a little girl, but speaks more like a pre-teen. I noticed a few minor bumps in the road in your writing, but they don't detract from the reading. I loved the MC's change of heart at the end. Helping others tends to do that. :) Very well done.
Marlene Austin10/29/08
Very nice story. You showed the emotions of your characters well. Keep working toward improvement on those mechanical errors. Nice job. :)
Seema Bagai 10/29/08
This story is filled with good descriptions.

The story has an interesting premise, but not very realistic in terms of what would be allowed in a hospital (especially the children's ward). You might want to consider changing it to a retirement home where then your idea of having the main character deliver cookies to others will be a bit more realistic.

You write well. I can see this being a longer piece with more detail on the MC.
Gerald Shuler 10/29/08
You have done very well for a beginning writer. The errors others mentioned are the same ones I would have pointed out. The most important one, though, is to write like you ARE the age of the person speaking. Before you write, ask yourself "How would Mom say this?" or "How would a 5-year-old child say this?"

You would be amazed at how much better your writing would be just by asking age appropiate questions.

You have strong talent. I hope you keep writing things that are exciting to you.
Laury Hubrich 10/29/08
Very good writing. One thing I noticed: be careful to put tags on your dialogue so we know who is talking. I really liked your story. Good job!
Leah Nichols 10/29/08
Great job! Watch punctuation, and write out your numbers unless they're bigger than 100. Read your stories aloud to check how it sounds. Nice work - I like the story; you're doing well! Again, welcome to Faithwriters! :)
Dee Yoder 10/30/08
Good job writing your first story for Faithwriters! As a homeschool mom whose son will write his first story for the Challenge starting tomorrow, I say, "Yay for you!"

The characters in your story are very sweet and I like them. I have nothing to add to your other comments about ways to improve...just keep at it! You definitely have a story to tell and the ability to get it told. Way to go!