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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Snap (09/04/08)

TITLE: Unwanted
By HQ Creston
09/09/08


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“What if I don’t want another baby?” She snapped as he brought forth the subject for the umpteenth time.

“What if I do?” He countered. “Shannon,”

“We already have three kids!” She pushed away his attempt to hold her and placed her hands over her face pushing back her hair.

“But I never got to be here, I want the experience.”

“I don’t!” She left him on the couch and began pacing the front room. “I know what’s going to happen.” She gave him an exasperated look and pointed, “You’ll get deployed again. And I’ll be alone with four kids! Don’t tell me you won’t because you know I’m right. Three pregnancies three deployments!”

“That’s not fair.” He stood leaving his beret on the coffee table. “I was military before we married.”

“So was I Gene! I had a life! I went places! I did things! I was more then just somebody’s mother once.” She threw herself into the rocker recliner snatching a teddy bear out from behind her she heaved it to the corner knocking over a tower of matchbox cars. The madness cascaded through the living room as the cars hit a doll house which tipped over collapsing a tent made of her grandmothers’ afghan and two pint Barbie chairs. She screamed as every musical toy went off at once.

“Come on, let’s get a cup of coffee and talk about this.” He took her into his arms and held her. She wept as he rocked her gently kissing her the forehead.

“I can’t do it again, I just can’t,” She reached up placing her hand on his cheek, “I can’t handle anymore.”

“God wouldn’t give us anything we couldn’t handle.” She pushed out of his embrace angrier ever.

“You tell me where it says that in here!” She picked up the family Bible and threw it at him. “There is no such promise!”

He sat down, opening the Bible knowing he had to defuse the situation. “Phillipians 4:13;” He glaced up at her as he thumbed through the pages. “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.”

“That’s a statement not a promise.” She grabbed the Bible out of his hands and turned to the chapter he was searching for. She scanned the chapter and stopped short of the intended verse, becoming quiet and solemn.
“It’s in here somewhere. I know it is.” He placed the open Bible on the coffee table knocking over his daughters’ Snoopy sippy cup.

She grabbed the cup from the floor and brought it into the kitchen adding it to the counter full of dinner dishes that still needed to be washed. “Do you want to play with Elmo?” a toy spoke from the bottom of the toy box, that led to a hint of a smile.

“What?” He asked seeing her change in demeanor.

She pointed to the verse above the intended quote. “I have learned,” She sat down cross legged on the floor picking up jumbo lego pieces. “Whatsoever state I am in, therewith to be content.”

“Has it been three minutes?” She faced him.

“I don’t know, let’s go see.” He reached for the pregnancy test and turned it over.

Philipians 4:13 NIV
Philipians 4:11 NIV


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This article has been read 336 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shelley Ledfors 09/15/08
I like your story line. You've written some good dialogue, too. I did notice some run-on sentences and a couple of missing words. Try to watch those. I can see talent and a lot of potential in your writing. Keep it up, and God Bless!
Joy Faire Stewart09/15/08
The dialogue and descriptions of the childrens' toys was realistic. And the ending was a surprise.
Leah Nichols 09/15/08
Good story....with a little more editing it'd be wonderful. Good job!
Kristen Hester09/15/08
I loved all the toys. Sounds like my house. I had three and then years later a "Bonus Baby." He's a joy!

You have a lot of potential. The dialogue was a tad hard to follow at the beginning. Perhaps a few more tags or action by the speaker to held the reader keep straight who is talking. Overall, nice job.
Valarie Sullivan09/16/08
This was good! I agree, a little more polish, and it will be great! I like the way the husband handled the situation. A true spiritual leader.
Kristi Peifer09/16/08
This sounded very realistic to me! Gene's sincerity and Shannon's agitation were very true to life! I loved the surprise ending.
Marijo Phelps09/22/08
Very graphic - the toys, the room, the emotions. Loved the ending! Enjoying your most recent writing even more than the former and I didn't think that possible!