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I slowly backed out of his driveway. It was a starless night. Clouds hid the moon and settled over my heart as well. I shifted into drive, but kept my foot on the break. I gazed out the passenger side window and held his eyes while he stood there on the sidewalk. He lifted his hand slowly and signed “I love you” with three fingers. I choked back the emotions welling up inside my chest and sent the gesture back. I released the brake and my car crept along the road. The moment I pulled out onto the main route, I let the tears stream down my cheeks. I pressed the gas hard and let the whimpers come without restraint.
I was being ridiculous. There was no reason to cry. It was juvenile. I should be responding like a sensible, mature adult. But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself of the latter, the tears only multiplied.
“Why, God, why?” I spoke to the winding, lingering road in front of me. “Why?!” I yelped, demanding a verbal response. College classes were to start in two days and we were both entering a very difficult semester. He was beginning his junior year as an electrical engineer and had cautioned me several weeks in advance that I should prepare myself for seeing him less frequently. There would be no more date nights or enjoying the sun or the Christmas snow together as we did last semester. This year would demand the vast majority of his time. We’ll make it through, he had said. I had nodded with counterfeit confidence. I was afraid.
“What if he forgets about me?” I asked, clenching the steering wheel. “What if he falls out of love? God, what if he realizes he doesn’t need me? What if he falls for someone else? What if,” I paused, “Just. What if, ok?!” I pronounced in selfish frustration.
I’m still here.
“God, I know You’re still here. But it’s not the same.”
It should be more.
“Yeah. I know. I know. But God, you blessed me with Eric-Thomas. He’s such a gift. He’s so like-minded. He has a heart for You. I love him so much. I don’t have anyone else like that. I already lost my best friend. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about God and stuff. He’s the only one who gets me.”
You have Me.
“Yeah. I know. But…”
But nothing. Meet with Me. I long to talk with you. I look forward to it.
“I just feel so alone sometimes. I’m living alone and now I’ll have no one.” I muttered in despair.
You have Me.
“I’m scared.”
I know.
“But, I’m like, really scared. I’m scared because people always leave. I don’t want him to leave. I know he won’t. But…you never know. I don’t know. Maybe I’m too attached. I’m so stupid. I’m just afraid of my heart breaking. Again.”
You don’t need to be scared. Do not be afraid. I will never leave you nor forsake you.
“I know that.”
I know you do. But I dare you.
“What?”
I dare you. I dare you to really put your trust in Me. Take a leap of faith. Depend on Me. Let Me “get you” too.
“Yeah?”
Yeah.
“You won’t let me down?”
Not a chance.
“Truth?”
Truth.
I thought about it the rest of the drive and kept to myself. I had nothing else to say. And I still couldn’t stop the silent tears. As I pulled into the driveway of my new place and slid into park, I tossed my head up against the headrest. “Okay.” I whispered. “Deal.”
I didn’t hear Him say anything. But I’m pretty sure He smiled.
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