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Dear Husband,
Be patient with me. God is not done with me. I am sorry that I am all bound up. I am sorry that I can’t love you. I don’t want to give myself to you. I want to remain tied up inside. Or I do? I am safe here. Or am I? It’s lonely. This darkness is so immobilizing. Rest. Yes, I can rest. No fighting, no struggle, no guilt in keeping the status quo. Why am I here? How did I get here?
The memory plays back on the dark walls of my heart, like a movie. There I am, the little girl, trusting her Daddy to hang out with her. Why has everyone else gone to bed and I am still awake watching tv this late?
The movie breaks off and goes dark. I can’t watch this. Why? So many missing pieces to this puzzle. Ok, Lord, show me more.
The innocence of a child is stolen in the cover of darkness. A cloak of secrecy is neatly thrown over the top, hoping that it will be as if it never happened. A vile monster attacked and vomited its filth all over me. I can never be clean again. I am marked. Chains of shame and guilt are twisted around me and the lock is fixed. Who can free me now?
He was an evil, selfish man. He was a cold hearted and sick man. He never loved me. He was never around. If he did, he would not have done such a thing. How can his words of love be trusted? Why should I ever trust him again? What does forgiveness look like?
Surely getting married will fix me, I thought. He never loved me either. How could he love me? The filth still reeks on me. Don’t touch me. Back off. I will be fine alone. Why do I need him anyways? Lord, help me.
So many questions. I wish for answers and healing. Another man says he loves me.
My movie has been played for you. You say you still love me. The filth does not turn you away. How can you love me when I am not fulfilling you? I know you need me, but do you love me? I only question you, because I question me. Love is a vague concept. We vow to honor, cherish, respect and stay together, no matter what. Commitment is love. Love is action. But is love’s expectation of fulfillment misplaced? God is love. God is patient and kind and good. Can you be like Him and love me?
Note: This is a true story, based on what I am going through right now. I feel that if I can share my process to healing then maybe someone else will have the courage to take the journey as well. We are getting counseling for our marriage and I hope to have a part two to this story some day.
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