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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Hide and Seek (08/07/08)

TITLE: The Hidden
By Kristie Derksen


I could feel my heart slamming against my chest, as if it were trying to break out of its confinement. I could see my shirt rise and fall with each powerful beat, as I sat there, perspiring. I made sure not to move, I held every muscle in check, making sure not to draw attention to myself. I could feel the silent approach of my dreaded foe. Holding my breath, I watched as he crept by, his eyes searching.

I was going to be caught! I knew it! He could hear my heart! How could he not, it was like a bass drum. ‘Shhh...’ I reprimanded my heart, but it refused to listen. This was the end of my life as I knew it. I could tell, almost as if it had been foretold.

But contrary to my belief, he crept on. Unseeing. Unknowing. Unaware.

Victory was mine! I could now feel it. Slowly I stretched out one leg, and then the other. Quickly gaining my feet, I dived forward.

I sure was stealthy.

Like a cat.

Remembering my training, I remained on my belly where I landed and listened for a coming attack. Hearing nothing, I crawled on my stomach, keeping my head down, like I had done so many times before. My skin pricked as I sensed danger to my left. Moving only my eyes, so as not to draw attention, I saw a second foe, his gun stretched out ahead of him, ready to do battle.

But his eyes were not focused on me, but on something in the near distance. Curious as to where his attention lay, I changed the direction of my gaze, and consequently landed on his mark.

His mark. My comrade and best friend. Peter.

Assessing the situation in a split second, I launched my body at the gunman, taking him down at the knees. Ammo was futilely released on his behalf, as he lost his target, and instead shot into the air. Drawing my gun, I pulled the trigger.


This was the last time this man would get his sites on one of my fellow men.
Returning to the ground, I slithered to the next available barrier to shield my body from unfriendly fire. And then I saw him.

The one whom I’d been hunting since this battle had begun. The one whom I’d been searching. The one who’d been my arch enemy since as long as I could remember.


I lived in fear because of this man. I spent my first few years, cowering in fear, so as not to bring on the wrath of such a foe.

But now my courage and hostility joined together, to create a power I didn’t know I was capable of.

Today, in this moment, the hidden man I had been, became the seeker, the destroyer, I was always meant to be. Today, I would fulfill my destiny!

Furtively, I put my plan into action. I thrust my body forward, screaming my war cry, diving into a roll. I felt the whistle of something past my ear. I could feel my heart in my throat, as the reality of what I was doing finally reached my brain.

Making contact with my opponent, we rolled on the ground, both struggling to gain the upper hand. Before I knew it, Markus was on me, pinning me to the ground, reaching for the gun he had dropped during the fight.

Panicked, I watched as his fingers brushed the handle. My eyes grew wide. I was loosing this battle. Finally gaining his gun, he shoved it in my face.

“Prepare to meet your Mak---”

“Markus! Get off your little brother!”

Relief mixed with disappointment, flooded my heart.

“Mom! You ruined it!” Markus yelled, pushing himself off of me.

“That is enough young man. I’ve had it with your soldier games. It’s just another reason for you to pick on Aiden. Aiden, go wash up for dinner.”

“I had him though Mom. In about 1 second I was gonna turn the tables. You woulda seen!”

“Yeah right wimp! You wish...” a voice mocked from behind the couch.

“I’m not the one with a dart stuck to my head, Josh. I already beat you.” I defended myself, sticking out my tongue.

“Go on home Josh. And you too Peter. We’ll see you both after school tomorrow.”

Ah yes... tomorrow. Another chance to fulfill my long awaited destiny.

Victory would be mine...

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This article has been read 606 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Sunny Loomis 08/15/08
Good descriptions. I wasn't sure if this was a war story or not. I smiled when it was revealed they were friends playing. Good job.
Joy Faire Stewart08/21/08
Love this and congratulations on your first place win. Great job!
Catrina Bradley 08/21/08
Great job drawing me into the action, keeping my attention, and then leaving me with a smile. Congrats on your 1st place! See you in Level 2 next week! :) Cat
Marylea Monroe08/21/08
Congratulations on your first place award. Great writing, good descriptions, nice job holding my attention and the surprise ending. If it didn't bring a smile to all who read it their smile button must need fixing.
Chely Roach08/21/08
What a well woven story with a fantastic twist. I loved this one. Great job, and congrats on your 1st place win...move it on up!
Yvette Nietzen08/22/08
Enjoyed this very much.
Congratulations on your win
Natalie Hinde08/23/08
awwww I thought it was paintball :( nice story, congrats
Bonnie Derksen09/10/08
This is such a great story, typical of the story-teller you are! CONGRATULATIONS on your well-deserved first place win. As always, I continue to be one of your biggest fans and look forward to another intriguing, compelling, riveting Kristie-story in Level 2. Well done girl!!