Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Telephone (07/17/08)
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TITLE: The Call (i) | Previous Challenge Entry
By Hannah Hunter
07/19/08 -
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Then the call comes. I quickly walk to the office at the principal’s summons and reach for the phone he hands me. “We’re taking Daddy to the hospital,” I hear Mamma say. This time she adds, “I don’t think we will bring him home again.” As I hand the phone back the principal speaks words meant to offer comfort, but my mind can’t receive them. I mumble my thanks and walk slowly back to class.
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This could have a stronger emotional impact if you beef up the storyline. I want to feel what the kid is feeling. I want to be a part of his emotions. Let me see some physiological reactions to his thoughts.
Very, very nice.
The first part is very well written...the waiting, the dread, etc. When the call finally comes, you want to cry. I think the shortness of it adds to the hopelessness...leaves you empty, just like the character.
Well done! Keep writing.