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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Telephone (07/17/08)

TITLE: While I Was Away
By Edmond Ng


"Hello," Belle yawned as she answered in a hoarse voice, apparently woken up by my telephone call.

"Sorry to wake you up at this hour, dear. Is everything alright at home?" I asked, feeling a little uneasy within me.

"Everything is fine here. How are things over at your side? What time is it now over there anyway?"

"It's past one in the afternoon and I am now at my customer's place taking a short break after lunch. I miss you so much dear, so I thought I'll just give you a call to check things out. How are the kids?"

"They are asleep."

"Dear, do you think you can just check on them for me this moment?" I requested my wife, who detected my hurried and serious tone.

"Okay, I'll check on them now."

A short while later, Belle returned to the phone and spoke in a gasping voice, "Daniel's not well. He's perspiring non stop with excessive heat all over his body! I'll have to rush him to the hospital. I'll call you back later."

About three hours later, Belle called me at my cellular phone.

"Honey, Daniel is now in bed at Saint Andrew's Hospital. The doctor has given him an injection and he is now asleep. The nurses are monitoring his condition and will be checking on him every hour. They say Daniel may be suffering from dengue fever."

"That’s not good. Is he in pain?”

“He’s better now after the jab. The doctor says he is doing fine.”

“What about Ruth? Is she with you?"

"Yes, she's with me. Ruth was the one who called the cab earlier while I was attending to Daniel. We came to the hospital together. Hold on, dear, I’ll pass the call to her."

"Dad?" Ruth spoke over the phone in a sleepy voice.

"Yes, Ruthie. Is everything fine over there?"

"Don't worry Dad, mom's fine. Daniel is under good care. The doctor says he is out of danger and should recover in a few days. What about you? Is everything fine over there?"

"Everything is fine here as far as work is concerned. It's just that I felt the need to call home because I sensed something's up."

"It must have been the Holy Spirit. We would never have known Daniel's condition if not for your call."

"It is the Holy Spirit alright. I can feel the peace in me now. I was feeling very anxious and uneasy earlier, and now I'm very much relieved. Please take good care of your mom and little brother for me while I'm away, okay? Keep me informed of your brother’s progress."

"Will do, Dad. Don't worry, I'll take good care of them. Bye, Dad."

As I hung up the phone, I looked up to the sky through a window and thanked the Lord for His saving grace.

Thank You Lord for taking care of Belle, Daniel, and Ruth. Please look after them for me while I'm away over here, and keep them safe, Lord. Amen.

NOTE: The story in this article is fictional.

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This article has been read 845 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Rhonda Clark07/24/08
I like your story. The Holy Spirit does touch us in special ways.

You need to pull the reader in by using, show don't tell words. I want to hear Belle's sleepy voice; I want feel dad's uneasiness and urgency; make me feel the threat of the illness. Think about how your body physically reacts in situations like this, and describe it. Does your skin get goose bumps? Does your stomach churn at the news of a sick child?

Nice story.
Yvonne Blake 07/25/08
It's wonderful when the Lord prompts us to pray for someone. Thank you for writing this.
Carole Robishaw 07/28/08
I enjoyed this story, good way to share how the Spirit can prompt us.

It's hard to write an all dialogue piece, I know, I've done several and not always been successful.

I find that a little more description of what they are feeling will help a lot.
Joy Faire Stewart07/28/08
I was touched by the dad's comment, "It's the Holy Spirit alright. I can feel the peace in me now." Also, like that the piece ended with a prayer.
Marlene Austin07/28/08
Nice story plot. Your conversations show the closeness of this family. :)
Lyn Churchyard07/28/08
Nice story showing how the Holy Spirit speaks to us and urges us to action. Well done.
Mariane Holbrook 07/30/08
I wish I could write dialog like this. The whole piece was beautifully done and I hope you place high with it! Kudos!
Catrina Bradley 07/30/08
A really good story, and a wonderful example of the work of the Holy Spirit.
Verna Cole Mitchell 07/30/08
This story shows so well the leadings of the Holy Spirit--makes me want to listen closely to hear His voice.
Sara Harricharan 07/30/08
Very well done! I did like this, it was interesting with a happy ending. I really like the happy ending on this and the good twist with the fact that he felt the urge to call. I just love the moments like that in real life. ^_^
Jean Thornberry07/30/08
I was blessed by your story. You did a great job showing how the Lord looks after His children by His Spirit. How important it is to listen to His voice! I am learning to walk in step with the Spirit and listen for His voice. As was said before, more descriptions of emotions would add more spice to the stew! God bless.
Joshua Janoski07/31/08
Isn't it amazing how the Holy Spirit will quicken us like this? This story is a great example of God speaking to the heart of a parent. Thank you for sharing this. It was a pleasure to read.
Helen Dowd08/06/08
Your story may be fictional, but it certainly rang true. I know the Holy Spirit CAN prompt a person to act in the way that this father was prompted. This is a touching story. I liked it very much...Helen