The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 686 times
Member Comments
Good story, but the finish leaves you hanging. It's obvious Amber would be disappointed, however the story would be "resolved" in the readers mind if Amber's disappointment was resolved---like she understood how much her Dad sacrificed for her and not getting what she wanted wasn't the end of the world. Just a suggestion :)
You described her yearning beautifully and the let down was genuine as well. It does need more of a solid message but it is well thought out and your descriptions are excellent.
I love a good opening line and you gave one. The title was also clever - almost a play on the song title, "Pink cadillac." :-)
The story was written well. I do agree that I might change the ending a bit, or expand on it and post it on the site generally as a short story.
You have talent, Penny. I see you growing as a writer. Keep writing!
Blessings, Lynda
What an original title! Very nice descriptive writing, Penny. I felt like I was that little girl. I do agree with the other comments, but this article has great bones and a great message that is begging to be expanded. This would be a great article to practice that skill with. Blessings, Jo
I really liked this all the way to the end. And I could see where she understood her father's sacrific to get her something resembling what she wanted and the her love for him to try to be thankful - expand a lttle on these two points and you've got it made! I loved the switch to the Barbie Motor Home when I thought I was in a real one! :)
Yup, great idea and moves well from beginning to end. You are just all sweetness and light :)
I love it, Penny. At first I thought Amber was visiting in her friend's moble home, then, an interesting turns out to be a Barbie mobile home! Very well done. I, too, would work on it some more and post it in the critique circle. It's definitely worth keeping and refining. I did the same thing with a couple of my challenge entries, and they are much better now. I may even send them out at some point to a publisher (just don't knw where yet.)
Cute story! With a few tweeks it will be perfect.
Cute story, a little work and it is a winner. Please keep writing. Thank you.
Nice descriptionn of a child's dream of having "that" toy. You showed her respect and love for her father nicely as well, in her holding in her disapointment while still being thankful for what she has.
That final line was so touching. "Amber pushed down the gut wrenching sadness in her stomach, and said, “ Thank you daddy.”" What a beautiful grown-up little girl. Well done, Penny.