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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: fathers (06/06/05)

TITLE: The pink motor home
By Penny Baldwin


A very small glimmer of hope was rising in Amber’s heart.

She was playing at her friend Alice’s house. Amber always enjoyed playing there.

She had lost her mum at a young age, so her dad had to cope on his own.

She loved the look of the pink motor home. How she wished she could have one for her birthday.

With dark black wheels, it looked big enough to carry a really heavy load. As she looked in through the windows, she could see the shiny kitchen floor. The kind of floor she’d always wanted, a chequered black and white one. It would be so easy to keep it clean as well!

Holding her breath, with all the excitement of looking, ooh! The kitchen taps match the floor! And there’s even a cutlery drawer!

Amber’s eyes moved to the bedroom, where a gorgeous four-poster bed was positioned in the centre of the room. The frilly pink and cream fabric was draped over the posts of the bed.

Her eyes moved over to the shiny dressing table. The silver hairbrush was placed carefully in the centre of the glass-covered table. Her eyes widened, as she gazed at the large oval mirror on the table, with smaller oval shaped mirrors at the sides. Wouldn’t it be lovely to sit at the table and brush my hair, she thought?

Then Amber caught a glimpse of the beautiful bedroom, “Gosh!” She said to Alice. “Isn’t it beautiful!”

All too soon it was time to go home, Amber thanked Alice’s mum for looking after her.

Later that evening as her dad tucked her in bed, Amber said her prayers. After giving her a goodnight kiss, he left the room. She fell asleep, dreaming of the pink Barbie motor home.

The next day, when Amber had finished her breakfast, she went to find her dad. He had been up half the night, decorating the sitting room with streamers and balloons.

“It looks lovely daddy” Said Amber, giving her dad a cuddle.

“Happy birthday sweetheart.” Said her dad, handing her a parcel.

She felt disappointed, even before it was unwrapped. I know it’s not what I wanted, she thought to herself. The shape of the parcel wasn’t the large rectangular shape she so much wanted. Instead, it was large, square and flat.

The last piece of paper fell off, after help from her dad, it was put together. There where two pieces of cardboard, that had to be slotted together in the middle.

She looked at the flat walls, with flat pictures on them. The flat chairs, flat bath and flat bed.

Amber held back the tears of disappointment.

Remembering how she had heard her dad praying for God’s help and provision, when he thought she was asleep.

Amber pushed down the gut wrenching sadness in her stomach, and said, “ Thank you daddy.”

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This article has been read 671 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Carol Shaffron06/14/05
Good story, but the finish leaves you hanging. It's obvious Amber would be disappointed, however the story would be "resolved" in the readers mind if Amber's disappointment was resolved---like she understood how much her Dad sacrificed for her and not getting what she wanted wasn't the end of the world. Just a suggestion :)
darlene hight06/15/05
You described her yearning beautifully and the let down was genuine as well. It does need more of a solid message but it is well thought out and your descriptions are excellent.
Lynda Lee Schab 06/16/05
I love a good opening line and you gave one. The title was also clever - almost a play on the song title, "Pink cadillac." :-)
The story was written well. I do agree that I might change the ending a bit, or expand on it and post it on the site generally as a short story.
You have talent, Penny. I see you growing as a writer. Keep writing!
Blessings, Lynda
Joanne Malley06/16/05
What an original title! Very nice descriptive writing, Penny. I felt like I was that little girl. I do agree with the other comments, but this article has great bones and a great message that is begging to be expanded. This would be a great article to practice that skill with. Blessings, Jo
Pat Guy 06/16/05
I really liked this all the way to the end. And I could see where she understood her father's sacrific to get her something resembling what she wanted and the her love for him to try to be thankful - expand a lttle on these two points and you've got it made! I loved the switch to the Barbie Motor Home when I thought I was in a real one! :)
Sally Hanan06/16/05
Yup, great idea and moves well from beginning to end. You are just all sweetness and light :)
vicki mccollum06/17/05
I love it, Penny. At first I thought Amber was visiting in her friend's moble home, then, an interesting twist....it turns out to be a Barbie mobile home! Very well done. I, too, would work on it some more and post it in the critique circle. It's definitely worth keeping and refining. I did the same thing with a couple of my challenge entries, and they are much better now. I may even send them out at some point to a publisher (just don't knw where yet.)
Amy Michelle Wiley 06/17/05
Cute story! With a few tweeks it will be perfect.
dub W06/18/05
Cute story, a little work and it is a winner. Please keep writing. Thank you.
Shari Armstrong 06/18/05
Nice descriptionn of a child's dream of having "that" toy. You showed her respect and love for her father nicely as well, in her holding in her disapointment while still being thankful for what she has.
Suzanne R06/18/05
That final line was so touching. "Amber pushed down the gut wrenching sadness in her stomach, and said, “ Thank you daddy.”" What a beautiful grown-up little girl. Well done, Penny.