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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Sibling(s) (05/01/08)

TITLE: Betrayed!
By Lyn Churchyard
05/05/08


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“Nooooooo! Don’t take him; please don’t take him!” Anna sat bolt upright in bed and found she was trembling. The nightmare she had been having on and off for several years had started haunting her again and tears rolled down her cheeks as she switched on the bed lamp and hugged her knees.

Light spilled in from the hallway as her mother opened the door. “What are you yelling about?”

“I had that dream again.” Anna whispered.

“Oh for goodness sake, you’re twelve years old. Go to sleep; you’re far too old for this rubbish.”

“But...”

Her mother clucked her tongue in annoyance as she closed the door again, and Anna curled up on her side and wept quietly in her pillow.

---------------

“Anna, are you listening?”

“Sorry Miss Johnson, I... I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“Anna, please see me after class.”

Anna sighed. I’m in trouble with Miss Johnson now.

When the bell rang, there was a mad scramble as the rest of the class fought to be first out the door.

Anna sat with her head down and wondered how much detention she would get this time.

Miss Johnson came and sat at the desk next to her. “What’s bothering you Anna? You’ve not been yourself these last few weeks.”

The young girl bit her lip to stop from crying. “I keep having this bad dream, and some people kidnap my brother.”

“But Anna, you don’t have any brothers or sisters.”

“I know, but it is so real. I’m afraid to go to sleep at night in case I have the dream again.”

“Have you talked to your mother about it?”

Anna shrugged. “I tried to.”

“What did she say?”

“At first she laughed at me, but now she gets angry with me. She says I’m too big to be having bad dreams.”

“Why do you think you’re having these dreams?”

Anna shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I want a brother so much. I’ve always wanted a brother ever since I was little.”

“Anna, if this keeps happening, I think it might be a good idea if I speak with your mother; just to let her know how much this is affecting your school work.”

“Yes Miss.”

---------------

Where has the morning gone? Anna thought as she looked up from her laptop. She was pleased with the progress she’d been making on her manuscript and smiled contentedly. She’d written a little over the years, and had even taken a writer’s course, and now that her children had grown up and she had the house to herself, writing occupied all her spare time.

At the sound of a motor bike, Anna look out the window and saw the postman drop several envelopes in her mailbox.

“More bills,” she sighed resignedly as she headed for the front gate.

The first letter was a bill for the telephone, but the second one caught Anna’s eye, and she ripped open the envelope and scanned the document.

Catherine Lauren, born 26 May 1928
Died 15 July 2004
Widow
Husband: Walter - deceased
Children: Female - born 8 January 1968
Male - born 8 January 1968 deceased.


---------------

“Anna, Anna!”

Anna opened her eyes to find herself lying on the front lawn, with her neighbour kneeling anxiously beside her. “Anna, are you all right; what happened?” Joan helped her to her feet.

Anna stared at her friend confused. “I... I’m not sure.” Then she remembered the document from the Registrar General’s office. She handed it to Joan wordlessly.

Anna suddenly began shivering despite the temperature being in the mid nineties.

“Come on, let’s get you inside and I’ll make you a cup of tea.”

Anna sat on the sofa swathed in a blanket sipping her tea. “I have a brother.” She said, tears flowing freely.

“And you knew nothing about him?”

“No, nothing. I always wanted a brother. When I was a child I used to have bad dreams that my brother had been kidnapped. My parents never told me the truth.”

Joan held her as she wept, “I have a brother, I have a brother.”

Her tears spent at last, Anna sat next to her friend in silence.

“Anna, can you imagine what a party there is going to be, what a wonderful reunion when you meet your brother in heaven.”

Anna’s tears flowed afresh, releasing all her pain into the Father’s care.

She had a brother, a TWIN brother, and one day she would see him.


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This article has been read 764 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Sara Harricharan 05/08/08
This is slightly choppy in the beginning starting out as a twelve-year-old and then skipping so many years ahead to where she was married and a writer, but the story itself is good! I think it could be expanded even more, I liked the characters and the storyline had me wondering what would happen next.

I especially liked that the brother was a Twin! Twins do share some amazing bonds and this was certainly shown here with this piece. Nice job! ^_^
Edmond Ng 05/12/08
I like the story. I wish more details are being filled in on the passing years, but I suppose the words limit doesn't allow you to. Maybe you should explore writing this story in greater details at your regular article submission. By the way, just as a thought, maybe you'll like to have paragraph one written slightly more descriptive because the opening appears to come in a little abrupt without the needed tension that should accompany, a scream, perhaps?
Mariane Holbrook05/12/08
I thought your hint "One word starts with B" meant that there were other words in the title. Haha (Brain dead this morning here!) There were many good points about this one and you're well on your way to the next level!
Debbie Wistrom05/12/08
I had a feeling the mother was holding back. Shame on her.
You did a great job with the tension through out.

Keep up the good words.
Cheryl saddlemire05/13/08
I thought that was a good story. I think that sub-consciently Anna wants a brother or a sister. She probably wants a little she could protect, but doesn't have one.
I do agree that Anna should talk to her Mother as to why she was having these nightmares.
I would like to see you expand the story, and see as to whether Anna does tell her mother about her bad dreams, and see what her mother's comments are. Keep up the good work!
Joshua Janoski05/13/08
I can't imagine what it would be like to have a twin and feel that bond even though you never saw them.

You did a great job of conveying the child's feelings. The transition to adulthood didn't bother me, but with extra words you probably could have added a bit more to the story in between the child and adult stages. That 750 word limit sometimes gets in the way.

I enjoyed the story, and I think it was a unique take on this week's topic. Thanks for sharing.
Peter Stone05/14/08
Having known three sets of twins, I believe they can experience a special bond over and above normal siblings. I could see the mother unable to cope with the little boy's passing away, so tried to squash away her daughter's dreams rather than face the truth of her own loss.
LauraLee Shaw05/14/08
I really enjoyed this! Well done!!!
Joanne Sher 05/14/08
This felt very real - good characterization and descriptions. I agree about the transitions, but this was a very strong piece.
Marlene Austin05/14/08
Great story line. :) I agree with several others who said they would like to see this expanded. With the word limit, there were some ideas introduced but then left unfulfilled, i.e. the concerned teacher- ever speak with the mom?; the MC's school work- remain affected?; did the dreams affect other aspects of MC's life as she grew?; etc. If you hadn't gotten me so involved in the short space you had, then I wouldn't seek info about these things. lol
Betty Castleberry05/14/08
This is poignant and you did a good job with the topic. Nicely done.
Aaron Morrow05/14/08
Wxcellent job putting an awefully big story into a very small article. Very well balanced, the jump in years through me a little, but I agree that it was necessary for resolution. Great job!
Ruth Howard05/14/08
Enjoyed this story and thought it had a suprising twist. I connmected emotionally - a good sign when writing. : )

Keep up the good work!
Dee Yoder 05/15/08
The ending is a good conclusion to the childhood dream section of the story. A mystery-just what I like!
Millicent Pat-Nwaoyo05/15/08
well done.
Lauren Page06/08/08
Amazing story! I would've liked
to read how the brother passed away, yet I know it's 750 words max. Again, really great story. I will be watching for more! ^-^


   
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