I lay on my side suffering through the most intense, yet most joyous pain I had ever felt in my life. I was about to become a mother for the first (and only) time… on my Mom’s birthday. My husband stayed right at my side, where I could see him whenever my eyes popped open between contractions. Mom rubbed my lower back all throughout my labor. Her gift of love was a refreshing oasis in a pain filled day.
Rebekah Joy entered our world that day, a breath of fresh air. What a joy she has been for these 22 years… and now, I understand what my mom meant when I was a teenager and she would say, “Someday, when you’re a mother you’ll understand.” During those years I didn’t always think the best of her. There were many times when my thoughts were anything but kind and times I would (much to my chagrin) talk to others about her in a negative way. What was I complaining about?Why did I gripe so?
My mom loved me.
When I was a teenager and had done something questionable, my mom would sit on the edge of my bed and talk to me. At that time I thought she was lecturing me – scolding me as it were… but looking back and seeing things from a different perspective now (being a mom myself) I know that what she did was show me love. Her heart washed in anguish over choices I made, she sought to bring my heart back to the heart of the Shepherd.
All this brings to me overwhelming feelings, so much so that I need to insert a letter to my mom – to pour my heart out to her, letting her know the depth of love I have for her.
My heart is filled to overflowing – what I just wrote above brought tears to my eyes and the memories of my growing up years, especially my teen years, come crashing through my heart. Those were tumultuous years for me. I don’t think I ever felt very comfortable in my own heart, let alone my own skin. Where did I belong? Where was I going? What was my purpose in life?
Feelings of being lost would bring a pain so fierce that I would go off to my room and shut the door, staying for what seemed like hours. I wanted to shut out the world and the despair that came with it – what that must’ve done to your heart… Did fear reside there? Frustration in not knowing what to do?
Mom, you knew me better than I knew myself. When I was reading and hiding smut novels under my mattress, my attitude reeked like garbage. You always knew . Thank you for not letting me remain in that place of outright sin against God, but taking a stand for righteousness and guiding my heart back to the place of Truth.
When I look back over the years and how I’ve felt about you at times, my heart hurts. I see things clearly now, the haze of my selfishness having been stripped away by the Master Window Washer. You, with the best you knew how, loved me, cared for me, nurtured me. Your heart trusted in the Father’s heart and you passed on to me, knowledge from Him.
I don’t want to say, “If I knew then, what I know now…” That is living life with regrets. All of the ugliness of my heart is in the past, washed clean with the blood of the Lamb.
Mom, I love you. Thank you for giving to me from your heart the gift of a love bathed in prayer and reflected in many ways – the talks, the tears, the moments of laughter, the hugs.
I look forward to moving forward with you through the years into a friendship given to us from the Master’s hand, learning more about you every day… and letting you learn more about me; our likes and dislikes, our sorrows and our joys. I give to you now, Mom, the gift of friendship.
As I wrapped up the letter a verse came mind. It is a verse of honor for mothers, one I gladly claim – Her children and her husband stand up and bless her.(i) This is my stand, here and now.
(i) Proverbs 31:28a God’s Word
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